05/23/2004 - 4:50 p.m. | speaking frankly, you'll be out of

I will use my brain to write this diary entry... which is hard because I am so itchy. I leave the window open, and the mosquitoes get in (The real thing; not the euphemism ones), and they suck my blood, and now I have the West Nile. Followed by Ebola. What a long day. Between my two jobs, I was at the mall for 12 hours today. It's strange. I got out of my car at 9:40. I got back into my car at 9:40. What a sick feeling. Don't get me wrong - it's all my fault. And I did have that 45 minute break there to poop and buy a CD...

I guess I did other things besides that. Bought some Tacos and MOUNTAIN DEW (which may explain the poop part) and started looking for a digital camera. It remains my dream to keep a teensy little camera on my person at all times, so that I can snap rapid pictures of uggos and hotties and share them with you, my friends. Imagine, guys! Then you too would know what Sarah Lucas looked like in just a bra (hahaha - we'll get the number one spot on Google for her name yet!) So yeah, I found pretty much the perfect one, but it's $500. Ike. Where was I? Long day! Yes, Shelly walked in tonight and immediately noted how stressed I looked. Well, at least I'd been hiding it emotionally. I tried to hide it physically by looking very cute today - I think I did a good job. Stock is rising on new HotOrNot picture... They say I'm an 8.6 again. I can deal with that. That's right where I should be. Not great looking - just one of those guys that a girl could go, "Oh, man - with some improvement, he could be fucking terrific!" Ha ha! Joke's on you, bitches! I've already done all the improvin' I can! Speaking of that, I guess Kyle and Shelly were looking at old pictures today, and they said I've aged like five years in the last 12 months. That about makes sense between those three months at the factory and this psychotic system I've worked out now. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm in a tangent universe right now.

Can I remember,
someone please tell me how to do my job,
or I'm out of work

It was a mild 12 hours really, which maybe made it go so damn slow. What's weird about the candy place is that no one likes candy there. Is that just the norm, or is that a result of working there? Dunno, but better put on some more power pop because if I don't hear "Come Clean" in the next minute, I'm going to start dissolving into my base molecules. That's how it works, right? It was me and intruiging Roma today, along with anal Erin the temporary manager. I asked Roma about her classes today, to see if we'd been in anything together. I don't think I was quite so memorable to her. The image of her... somewhere is so clear, though! Like she was in my line of sight at some party or something. And I've got to figure this out, or I won't stop being drawn to her. Does anybody know a Roma? Tinyish, sort of cute, Psych major? Forget it. So, like I was saying, no one really likes candy there, whereas I'll eat whatever gets dropped on the floor. Gross ass strawberry rock candy? Yeah, pass it over! Honestly, what could kill me in this day and age? I should be worrying more about social suicide... but as long as you don't find my INCRIMINATING DOCUMENTS, I should be fine.

Toy made it a point to let me know that some of his "good shit" will be coming in tomorrow. Myself, I can hardly wait. I've already decided to give up on convincing him that I don't smoke. I figure that when he eventually tries to sell me the shit, and I keep refusing, he will think I am merely trying to get the best deal out of him. And we shall pass these savings onto you, the consumer! Imagine if I became a drug dealer. Just what I need, another job. And I'd probably have to buy a gun and some scales or something. And the drugs would probably lead to eventually becoming a pimp, and that will require extravagant outfits and a big boat of a car and maybe a brothel. I tell you, illicit activities are expensive. But I suppose the end results will be worth it. Certainly a good conversation piece at family gatherings and class reunions. "So, what're you doing with yourself?" "I'm a crimelord." "Excuse me?" "Cocaine and women, that sort of thing. But I only kill when it's absolutely necessary! And very little torture." Hm.

On incriminating documents: I sort of sat here thinking about it a little, and I guess I don't really have anything actually incriminating. The worst I have are some embarrassments I've written in the past. And, since I already figure Kyle and Spritz ransack my room whenever I'm not in the apartment (Not paranoid!), I might as well make it easier for them. Less cleanup later. So! IMSA Diaries, Volumes XII and on. Crippling.diaryland.com. And the manilla envelope "Letters That Shall Not Be Sent." Those might be incriminating if any ever got sent out. Restraining orders at worst, though. That's really all I can think of. Tame.

It would appear that both Shawn and I are sort of in the doghouse at the Buckle. I'm one step closer to termination, with absolutely no hours next week (Secretly, this is fine by me because I have a fuckload at the candy store and was already worrying about how I was gonna squeeze it all in), and he's not getting his keys back until his sales go up. So he gave me this sweet little peptalk speech that, unlike Danee's, I actually believed - possibly because I actually care about his flattery. I'm the only one he likes on staff, so he doesn't want me going anywhere :D Anything for you, man! Well, I certainly tried anyway, and I think Danee actually saw it this time. I really do have pretty decent presentation skills, but I don't use them unless I think the person is receptive, and like I said, it's a hell of a lot easier on the weekend. My sales weren't super great, but no one's were, which only adds to my theory that I am a natural repellent of people. Store was packed when I came in - it died about 15 minutes thereafter. Sure! Unsure... *beat* At least I have a positive attitude. As it got closer to closing, manager Heather let other Heather go early because she was so whiny and getting nothing done. Even though I was mentally unravelling, at least I did it with style and humor, and I forced myself to keep up a frenetic pace. What the hell am I talking about? I bought a Datsun t-shirt. I don't particularly like it right now, but I'll love it once I write in "I WAS CONCEIVED IN A" on it. Possibly with "THANKSGIVING WEEKEND, 1983" on the back. Seriously, guys - don't let me know anything. It wil just lead to embarrassment for you. Turns it on its head and all that. As far as weird things to find on the ground go, Lego person hair tops my list.

OK, I dunno why I'm gonna even bother explaining this, but I laugh every time I think about it, so I would like to be reminded of this later on in life. The upper manager (the one who visited a while back) is named Darliss (which I always mentally add dollar signs to, like that HBO series "Arli$$"). She's a middle-aged woman, kind of over-tanned and getting wrinkly, so her Buckle-only wardrobe seems very creepy and inappropriate. A desperate grasp for youth, if you will. ANYWAY, we were all whining about how we were hearing Puddle of Mudd the fourth time that day, and I asked how we actually got our music. Heather explained that they used to get CDs once a month, but now there was some system called DMX that just downloaded the newest junk from the Buckle homebase and played it based on popularity. I asked what the DMX stood for, and Shawn was like, "Darliss Music... Xtreme..." I just broke down. I thought maybe it was because I was worn so thin, but it still makes me LOL even now.

I finally lurched home and collapsed on the bed. Bash rang at the door. Yeah, I'm fucking up for entertaining. You just play the Nintendo while I lie in a heap. As per our agreement, Kyle called to let me know that Hot Rentertainment Chick was working. As could be expected, I took a bike ride shortly thereafter, and somehow mysteriously ended up at the video store. I can't rent anything because of the fines I am unwilling to pay, but I did spend an unusually long time looking. Testing the theory that the most attractive characteristic is proximity. Call it a summer project, all right?

Hmmm - Diaryland's down. I'll give it a bit while I click "Yes" on HotOrNot people I am severely underqualified for.

I woke up very late to the sound of my phone vibrating with a voicemail. Dear God, don't make me come in anywhere. Thankfully, it was just my parents. Now it's nearly 5, and my biggest accomplishment is getting Mario up to level 7 in Super Mario RPG. I love days off.