05/24/2004 - 12:11 a.m. | a brief tirade ++

In Shelly's diary, she says, "of all the vehicles one could own, who would pick a station wagon???" Not surprisingly, I have been predicting that someone (actually, if we're going into specifics, that she herself) would someday say something along these lines and have thus had my rant prepared well in advance. Therefore:

Who the hell would pick one of the most standard cars in the whole world? A fucking Pontiac. Black. Might as well go to the damn used Beretta lot, you know? It's just such a typical car. For those who want to look like they are sort of sporty without putting any actual thought into it at all. "Well, it's got sort of a spoiler and these three line things on the side..." Fucking 3 line things. I've always hated those ridges. But that's just an aesthetic preference and isn't really the point. My point is that a black Pontiac is a personality-less choice, along the same lines as putting "music" in your HotOrNot keywords. Whoa, you crazy kids, always lovin' that music! I mean, yeah, my car is sort of lame, I won't argue, but it reflects that important lameness in my personality, being both maroon and an Oldsmobile station wagon (my personality, that is). It makes me laugh, you know? Plus, it has all the benfits that SUV owners try and argue for, without the deficits in gas mileage and in percentages of time not spent rolling over.

Now that we've concluded with that

(

Summary:

Shelly, Pontiacs, 3 line things, "music," SUVs - dumb.
Nate - smart

),

let's move onto the rest of the day! Got some tacos. ..... That's it.

Oh - I guess we watched Robin Williams' Broadway DVD. I guess what they say is true; he was funnier coked out of his mind. It had its moments, though; and he did have the impressive achievement of making Viagra jokes funny again, if only by being extremely vulgar. That's how we like it, though, you sweaty, hairy man! Before Michelle left, she dropped off the novel that Britney Spears and her mom wrote, so I read that shit. It was the black Pontiac of books. Not one surprise throughout and so generically happy. I don't think even bored housewives who read romance novels would have found this intellectually stimulating enough. If you're like me, though, now you would read it just to see how bad it really was. "Man, that Shrek ice cream looks terrible." "It does. I'll take a double scoop." I generally believe people who say they want to experience everything mostly mean the good stuff. I'll just fill in the gaps. That's what makes me so cool, see.

It would seem that Michelle has already predicted that I would rant about her comment and has retaliated in advance. I look like the Elephant Man.