12/09/2003 - 2:08 a.m. | in some sort of time machine

I woke up this morning and thought, "Maybe it was a dream. Maybe I didn't throw up on Dank's homework last night." Turns out I was right. It was his review sheet of equations.

But let's go back a bit. Sunday started off well enough - woke up late, shwered and rode to the tanning place for a go. Incidentally, I think I'm going to take a break for a while; I'm starting to get those weird raccoon eyes. Rode back home and then worked on my advertising for a couple of hours. At 4, I went to Dank's to watch more retarded game shows. And cartoons. And Terminator 2. I'm really glad that Dank and I are hanging out more. I missed not having someone to scream with. Drew two ads half-assedly (I might improve on them later, but they don't judge drawing ability, so perhaps it's best to pretend that they're supposed to be that way).

Left t 9 to finish up my advertising - yay! One of two big projects done! I put on a loop of Britney Spears' "Toxic" (better than you'd think) and had myself a little celebration. Then I made the crucial mistake of thinking, "Man, I'm finally coming into my own" God hates confidence, from what I can tell. In me anyway. So I was gonna meet Justin and Lisa for bingo in a bit, and I didn't really want to spend much on drinks, so I pregamed a bit. And listened to Pavement!

They came, we listened to the Beach Boys (sigh), and off we went. I bought one more drink (because that's all the money I had and because I knew I was about at what I consider my limit) and we bingoed/talked/whatever. In the bathroom, I bumped into Drew and Ryan from work last year; they said something about anal beads, I dunno. And it was at about this point that the drinks started appearing. I don't blame Lisa; she was just trying to be nice (and/or possibly see what I'm like smashed). I could very well have not had the additional Coke or the two shots of stuff that tasted like cinnamon and had little flecks of gold in it. But I justified it, thinking, "Well, it would be rude if I didn't drink them." And they seemed yummy, which should have served as a warning sign right there. Anyway, I become less involved in bingo (still haven't won yet!) and more and more fascinated with my feet. Why does this always happen? Michelle came over to say hi, which I guess confirms that she doesn't hate me. I know - paranoid - but I'm like a worrisome mother (is there any other kind?): "You don't write! You don't call! You don't visit!" Lame. I'm aware.

After about then, things sort of grow dim. Or vanish altogether, if you want to get specific. I vaguely remember saying I needed to go to the bathoom, calmly walking there, and puking my guts out. Unlike many others, I don't really find vomitting all that awful. Some sort of catharsis. Anyway, Justin followed me in because, well, maybe he knew something was up, in which case I prolly wasn't as smoove as I had thought. Reports vary on how lucid I am as a drunk. I've heard everything from "very coherent" to "like a goldfish" (e.g. my memory).

From the end of bingo to when I got home is pretty much blank. I called Lisa a whore, but based upon my logic system (which I follow even in its twisted drunken form), I'm almost positive I was joking. They gave me a ride to Dank's place (Questions: They did? I gave them directions? Did I take off my shoes? Seriously, this is all secondhand). Anyway, Dank and Allen were studying for physics, and I had come over to watch "Guts." The times got messed up or something, though, because I came in right at the end of the second episode. Still, the timing was perfect. Just in time for the scaling of the Aggro Crag. More importantly, as we had planned earlier, Dank turned on "Yakety Saks" (a.k.a. "The Benny Hill Theme"), and from what I am told, it was pure hilarity. I made a few trips to the bathroom ("barf") and then slept for a while. It also seems I started agreeing knowledgably when Allen was explaining something about physics to Dank. Apparently alcohol makes me a physics genius! Anyway, the homework. Arg. Dank isn't exactly sure what happened. Seems I tried to get up, gave up on that, and "bleh," right on his equations sheet. In retrospect, it's actually pretty funny ("What happened to your homework?" "A friend threw up on it"), but I like to think I was at least apologetic. Dank went to get Kyle and Spritz (who had also been drinking - united by fate!) and we walked home. Memory starts to return by that point, although I am still amazed that I got my contacts out. I have no respect for drunks, even when they are me.

I woke up a little after ten and tried to convince myself it really was a dream. It certainly had the elements of one - the fogginess, the unusual people in it (Ryan and Drew, Michelle, Allen), the holes in the story. I walked into Spritz's room as soon as he woke up:

"How bad was I last night?"
"You should probably got apologize to Dank."

Damn. So much for the dream theory. So, I felt absolutely awful and immediately got online and started vehemently apologizing because that's so not the person I want to be (or usually am). Dank seemed more amused than anything, though, which I guess is good (somehow this makes me feel even worse, though). I rode to Schnucks and got some carpet cleaner and white cheddar popcorn (my anti-drug) and then headed back to Dank's to get cleaning. I was still very sensitive to smells, so the cleaning was sort of stomach-churning, but the couch really wasn't bad. Seems I had mostly spewed liquid (and no, I don't know if the gold flecks were present) so cleanup was easy. I made sure to be extra thorough, though. And I flipped the cushion. ;)

We all leered at Amanda Bynes for a bit and then headed to our respective classes. I told them they could bar me from entry, but they're all way too nice. Will and I planned an elaborate joke to play on the stats teacher, which only succeeded in ticking him off. Just what we need in our collective worst class - a pissy teacher. A pissy teacher specifically pissed at us. *hide* So, in my semi-down state, I went online to try and ascertain the facts from last night. You know, double check I didn't punch anyone or cause punitive damages. No time for a shower! So far so good, though. But, if I did wrong you in some way last night, do let me know. And just because I can't remember last night doesn't mean you can take advantage and lie to get a free pie or something (Will).

Cartoons with Spritz followed by work. I felt like such a TV audience today. Lilo and Stitch went back in time to try and fix some embarrassment Lilo had, and I was like, "Whoa! That's a good idea!" But it turned out to be a lot of trouble so in the end Lilo decided it was best to learn from her mistakes, and I was like, "She's right!" Arg, I'm a simpleton.

Work was reading, home was TV. Stupid being a product of the media. I watched a few "X-Files" reruns from the era when I knew everything about the damn show (and this was my pre-IMDB period, which means you should be all the more impressed) as well as "Mythbusters," which I have decided will be my career when I grow up. You say you need to clean 2 dead pigs out of a car that have been left to ferment for 2 months? Hand me the squeegee, fucker.