11/30/2003 - 7:09 p.m. | you realize i make those mistakes on purpose, right?

Spritz yelled at me for not writing an entry, and in fact, I yelled at myself on the groggy stumble up to bed, but I am ONLY HUMAN, you see. ONLY. I forget where this was going.

OK, Saturday. Once again skipping a shower (making it two days straight now), I got up and went with Mom into Ottawa for groceries. If you hadn't noticed, I am fond of certain products, namely the gimmicks they create every few months. It was chapstick on this particular day. The theory is that it's supposed to make my lips kissably soft. See how generous I am? I am making my lips softer for you, the transgendered population. I mean females. I do this for your benefit, not my own. I don't care how damn soft my lips are, as long as they don't look like sausages (see Topanga from "Boy Meets World"). From there, we went to Cracker Barrel, which I have instinctually avoided since my bad experience there (chicken soup, vomit). The orange juice was great, though. I am a sucker for fresh-squeezed, so much in fact that I am simultaneously searching ebay for a Juiceman juicer (it was his eyebrows that convinced me). And really, the food was fine too. My only complaint is the sheer amount of PT Cruisers they allow in the lot. One left and another took its spot. Then again, it was in the handicapped space, and that sort of makes sense. In the little hokey general store, I bought some lemon drops (the roof of my mouth is already burnt from consuming about eighty of them) and - AND - a yo-yo. Not just any yo-yo, though! A BEJWELED Duncan Tournament Replica Yo-yo! BEJEWELED! (Hey - remember the "blink" HTML tag? Wish I could make that blink. I miss that. Nothing said sarcasm like an obnoxious, blinking word in all caps).

Shopping for ornaments put my mom in the Christmas spirit for all of ten minutes, so we went to Wal-mart. Five minutes of crowds, and that unfortunate urge was gone. Back home to finally, FINALLY shower and do some chores (less of the finally, FINALLY part on the chores) and then resume having more of my life sucked up by Walt Disney and his channel. Mom sent me out on a quick errand to get some jalape�o peppers in Sheridan. So quick I figured I didn't even need to bring a CD or anything. They were out. So, where to cast my net? The Norway Store is closer, but if they don't have them, then I have to go even further. But, if I went into Somonauk instead, I would miss the chance to act coy with Susan Whalen. Norway Store. What can I say? I'm a lover, not a fighter. Actually, more of an idiot really. So, did the whole coquette thing for a bit, and no peppers. Off to Ottawa again for what turned out to be a 28 cent purchase. I feel so justified. Actually, I sort of do. Because there was this bird trapped inside the store, and it has was just sort of hopping around and adorable, so I chased it through cosmetics. :D And the radio was absolute balls. Not even some Jason Mraz or Norah Jones. Whom I love dearly.

You'll notice I've done about three things so far. This has taken me nearly a page of text to cover. Ain't writing grand? Since I just resumed sitting uselessly upon arriving home, Mom put me on fire duty. Now, I'm not one to toot my own horn (please take this in the context of arrogance, not masturbation. Don't even think about masturbation. It will make you turn to stone), and of course the process is completely random and arbitrary, but I made a kickass fire and therefore am just beaming out testosterone to the world. It singed flesh from three feet away. The fire, not my testoserone. I am so good at making trees make light and heat! So, so good. Fucking stupidhead.

Doug and Tina (and Dad actually - long day) showed up around 6 for the Mexican Trivial Pursuit Party right in the middle of The Sandlot. DID THEY GET THE BALL BACK FROM THE BIG DOG? I guess I shall never know. We ate chips and sat awkwardly for a while, then ate tacos and more awkward sitting, and then we played the game and it warmed up a little. Mom and I were a team, and for being a person short, we didn't do badly. We lost both games, but they were close, and if either of us knew jack shit about sports, we might've had a shot. That or "which Asian nation?" We got that a lot. We split a bottle of wine (and then some), so our losses did not affect us as much as you might think. And with any luck, I embarrassed the hell out of Doug. Dad made some subtle Viagra joke and Tina didn't get it, so I started yelling about hard penises. Because that's what Viagra does, see. Makes your penis hard. I consider us even now. You lower the standards, and I will drop right down there with you.

Good. Woke up today to the damn stinkin' sunlight. Movies (Enemy at the Gates - Joseph Fiennes is a little creepo), movies (All I Wanna Do, formerly titled Strike! - fluff... Wait - not that sort of fluff), shower, frantic packing/cramming, Lisa Marie Presley E! True Hollywood story (which seems less like truth and more like a piecing together of random tabloid theories into an hour), turkey soup, driving, driving, driving. Dank and I listened to more comedians. It is a good thing that I don't drive because even though I don't laugh a lot - when I do, it's totally insane. My heart stopped and my lungs were going to explode. HYUCK HYUCK. Anyway, I'm back. So pbbbbt. Whatever that means.