11/01/2003 - 3:20 p.m. | he kept muttering things like "platonic"

All right, kids, time for a Halloween wrap up, etc. Will (as a pirate, of course) and I went to stats, and we were the only, ONLY ones dressed up. Also, the only ones (minus one girl who had shown up before us) sitting in our entire row? Connection? Perhaps. We talked throughout, mostly about how awesome we are and how stupid everyone else is for not dressing up. This might have been our undoing, however, for we were given a quiz at the end of class, and it said something about �poisson method� or something, and all we good do is sing �Every Rose Has Its Thorn,� write some gibberish about �e,� factorials, and lambda, then run out really fast. I regret nothing.

I walked with Will to class, so that the insults would be divided a little more evenly. On the plus side, some guy asked to take our picture. We can only pray it was not for The Daily Illini. After Will left for class, I met up with Kyle (also a pirate), and we roamed the quad for a while, shouting �Arrr� and singing �Complicated,� respectively. After a huge hassle hooking my bike up to the rack on the bus, we came home, ate fried food, and watched the Disney Channel. I could seriously think of nothing better at the time than watching 24 hours straight of Halloween episodes of �Even Stevens� and shit, but my tune would change.

I was pretty exhausted, I guess, so I took a nap for a few hours. At some point, my mom called. Here is what I recall of the conversation:

Mom: You shaved your armpits?
Me: I shaved everything.
Mom: Why?
Me: Accuracy.

She left me sleep again shortly thereafter. Bill showed up and some point, and it is impossible to sleep when he is around and talking, so I got up and put my costume back on (Oh � I�ve had several requests for pictures� No dice right now, but my body hair won�t be growing back for a while, so I�m sure I can recreate it for y�all down the road) and then� watched him and Will play �Magic: The Gathering.� Arg. Wild times. Since Spritz was out and the party we were gonna go to wasn�t for a while, Will and I convinced Bill to drive us around in his VIBE!!! (It�s like driving the future, seriously!) so we could go trick-or-treating.

Man, I forgot how much fun it is to go around in costume and get free candy (Well, not free, because of � ahem � ridiculous sum I spent on my costume, but you get the point). We went deeper into Urbana where it�s mostly cute little houses and fewer drunken, hateful assholes. Will and I walked from house to house while Bill followed slowly us in his car with the lights off. Entirely creepy, but we kept calling him dad so passerby would know he was OK. Our age was kind of against us, so we tried to be as polite and friendly as we could. Unlike most older kids who go trick-or-treating, though, we at least had real costume and not, like, Man With Hat. Still, people were a little freaked out by my costume, I think. There was an undertone of sarcasm in most compliments, but I guess I should expect it. One lady was like, �Well, you�re the first transgendered guy I�ve seen tonight! Way to go!� Thank you. Another guy (who turned out to just be out on the porch for a smoke) was like, �Dude, nice boobs! Can I cop a feel?� See, I think this was supposed to freak me out, but all you do is up the ante. I ran back towards him and said, �Sure, man! Go ahead!� Yeah, now who�s freaked out? Yeah, he wasn�t so happy about it now. Man, I can�t wait to have a house! The trick-or-treaters will love me!! And, it looks like it�s gonna happen next year. We�re all in on the plan to get the house on Green Street! I�m so excited!

We felt sort of bad for Bill, so we didn�t �maximize the haul� (hehe � my dad and I used to say that when we went trick-or-treating; it still makes me laugh) and went to park his car at Will�s frat. The walk back was super cold (especially in just a wifebeater), but I used candy as fuel to burn. By this time, 2 people had guessed who I was. That�s the most I could hope for. More Disney Channel when we got back � more Hocus Pocus, namely � and then we all waited around for everyone to converge. Meanwhile, I ate 90% of my candy in about half an hour and worked up my first good sugar buzz in a long, long time. Spritz got back from dinner, Kitty and Brytne (ALSO a pirate) came over, Kyle got off work, Allen, Michelle, and the Bashes stopped by. It was a frantic combination of costume preparation and drinking, and those two just go sooo well together, right? Everyone kept giving Michelle crap because she looked too pretty to be a pirate (that�s right � a pirate!). There is an inherent scumminess in pirates that she was lacking, so everyone just kept calling her a gypsy. We are assholes.

We finally got out the door (box wine in hand) and drove to get on the bus. Yes, that makes sense. The bus crowded, so I did the only thing I could and sang. And did chin ups so that my crotch flew in Kitty�s face (Kitty, by the way, was a makeshift gay Karl Marx). I really wanted to do some hardcore gymnastics, but I didn�t need to be kicked off the bus (I could�ve been raped, you know!), so I abstained.

I dunno � the party was exactly the kind I don�t like. Not really easy to talk to anyone, and no one was dancing, so it was just sort of this shifting around en masse. Spritz and I stealthily turned up the thermostat to 80 (�It�s gettin' hot in herre��), Will shot Imran (as Lincoln), someone apparently thought I was trying to grab his ass (also that Spritz was gay � there�s a shock), and most of us nerds hung out outside. Dunno � I just don�t like bothering anyone for too long of a period, so I keep my distance. Once again, everyone was pretty smashed except for Allen, Spritz, and myself, so it took a long, long time to round everyone up to move on. Kyle started being emo, but luckily, the bus was coming, so he couldn�t lie on the ground around and mope; he had to jump up, sprint over, get on the bus, and mope. Hahahaha. I peed in a bush. I dunno � I just feel better again lately. Things are starting to make sense in my mind.

mrkrazy 11: Maybe she's hypoglycemic
ennui up the ass: maybe she's chub chub

On the bus, Kyle got a piece of pizza off some guy. Green peppers! Man, it was so good! I�m still craving one now, but I got a stupid lump of cheese in my hair. How do you girls manage?

We went to this party on Illinois that Lisa had told Bill about. It was sooooooo much fun! Best party I�ve ever been to (which I suppose is saying little, but shut up, assface). There was a live DJ there, and he was pretty good, all things considered. I supposed I am sort of partially to him because he played Kool and the Gang�s �Jungle Boogie,� which tops my all time favorite list. They also had a couple guys freestyling, which was pretty cool in itself. I dunno � it was really crowded and warm and dark, and I guess you�d sort of think that would be exactly what I hate, but I think it was exactly what I wanted. It sort of makes sense. I don�t like crowded parties where you can�t talk (or there are too many people to talk to) and you can see all the uggos and feel self-conscious and so on. Here, I could just sink into the darkness and be surrounded by the crowds. I guess that fits my type. Anonymity. Also, I really, really like to dance. Like, a lot. Problem is, I totally dance like a girl. Well, this is problem for the other three hundred and sixty-four days of the year. Not last night, though!! Brytne even commented that I am a very good girl dancer. �Sensual,� she even said. Without a hint of sarcasm, damn it. So. Here�s what I�ve decided: I�m going to go to dark, really crowded places, and I�m going to dance how I want, and I�m not going to try to meet a single person. Because it was just so enjoyable! I feel energized. I don�t care if I�ll never be a Man. OK, I�ll shut up and move on to the good stuff�

Namely that three guys were totally into me (as Avril, I mean). Let me note an important distinction here: I did not come onto anybody. I just stood in an area and danced, head down, hair in my eyes. If someone came up to me, I let them. And come they did. So, first guy comes up, starts grinding up to me. He also possible grabbed my ass. We do this for about a song, and he obviously wants to get more intimate. �Hey, are you gonna let me see your face?� I toss my hair aside and look at him, �Yeah, sure, dude!� Spritz pops up at this moment and tells the guy, �Dude, I think you had a little too much to drink.� One down. Number two, another guy starts grinding, definite ass grabber this time. By the way, Lisa�s almost make out partner Michael was supposedly there, so I like to think he was one of the three. Anyway, the cycle repeats. A song or two pass, like a rapid fire courting ritual. He notices me, tests the waters, takes it pretty damn far, and then decides he should probably get to know me a little better. He asks, �So, is this your real hair or a wig?� Again, I reveal myself. �No, dude � it�s a wig.� Again, he mysteriously vanishes. So, I hit a bit of a lull for a while after that. Kyle gave me a book I was supposed to steal. Even More Five Minute Mysteries. Another guy kept passing around some apple vodka. Bleh � everyone reeked of it. I thought a guy grabbed my butt, but it was just Will trying to steal my wallet. Asshole. Actually, he consistently blew my cover over and over. I eventually got away from him long enough to get another dude interested. This one was a winner. So, he did the normal grinding thing for a while. I was practically used to it by now. OK, no. But anyway, then he started doing this HORRIBLY creepy thing where he ran his fingertips up and down the back of my body, from my neck down to my legs. I thought he might be suspicious that my legs were so scratchy (already!), and he got really, really close to touching my junk a few times (that would�ve been a scene!), but he was getting more and more into me. Meanwhile, I am pretty much constantly fighting laughter now. What a fucking flake! Anyway, at about this point, he decides to kick up a notch. He starts inching his hands closer and closer to my �boobs.� Since I�m not as attached to them as real girls might be (har!), I�ve got no problem with him feeling me up. It only adds to entertainment. That�s right, buddy. Touch my Jell-O sacks. So, I watch as he gets more and more daring, and finally � BINGO! We have contact. I wonder, �Does he notice I don�t have nipples? Doesn�t he think they�re a little firm?� Then I nearly piss myself trying not to giggle. Anyway, mission accomplished, so I start trying to pull away from him. Why yes, I am a tease. He is not one to give up, however, and follows me. In fact, he gets even more into it (prolly thinks I�m being coy?) and starts clawing at me. OK, hotshot. Getting sort of scary now. I wanted to hang around and dance some more, or at least tell Will and Bill that I was leaving, but escape was far more important. I briefly contemplated revealing my secret, but he was so into me that I was afraid he�d hack me into little pieces if he were to learn the truth. I like to think he talked to his friends afterwards, �Dude, I was totally gonna get with this hot chick, but the bitch ran off!� Hahahaha. I think it�s hilarious that my body makes so much more sense a girl. Stupid being hot in a totally bizarre way. I darted out into the night, and clarity was upon me. As I walked back home, a guy saw me and yelled, �Hey, are you Axl?!� �No, man � I�m Avril!�

OK, gotta try and finish this up. Came back, sort of half-changed out of my costume, except I still had boobs and eye makeup, and then Allen and I met Spritz at the gas station. We hung at ISR for a while for some reason, smashed my boobs, and held the door for people. Why, I cannot say. Nearly took an old bike tire, but Spritz was sidetracked, and we went our separate ways. When Allen and I got back to my place, the glass on the front door was smashed in. Not broken off, just cracked to hell. Really adds a touch of charm. Stupid drunkos. Allen left, and even though their door was shut, I could hear Kyle and Brytne drunkenly arguing about absolutely nothing as far as I could put together. Thought about intervening, but decided that since the problem was an illusion, it would be gone by morning anyway. Yep. Every time we go out with them, Spritz and I contemplate either cutting them off or, uh, never going again. Will and I had a conversation that he doesn�t remember, and Spritz came back with a bunch of people. Thought about staying up, but they were mostly Indians, and I have no interest in them. Sorry for the apathy. More and more people tell me what I can�t include in here, so I have to make up for it by doing stranger and stranger things myself.

Up at noon today, and the day was full of SNL reruns and writing this entry. Yeah, pretty much. Not every day has to be a busy day. I want the Tom Jones Greatest Hits CD so, so much. He�s such a Man. A Man!!!!!