10/29/2003 - 2:06 a.m. | keep them short

What it is, what it was, rather, was more like a call to arms. I wanted to piss people off because fixing pissed people off makes me feel like I'm useful. What a worthless excuse. I'm not proud of it; I just get so angry sometimes, and it looks like my strategy is to take others down with me. You could say I was being defensive, but as was pointed out to me, I was much more on the attack. I'm just feeling sort of resentful, and I can't even tell you why. Everybody has good qualities - every single person - and they usually far outnumber any flaws, and yet I get stuck on them, it clouds my vision. Why? To feel better about myself? I'm afraid that might be it. And that worries me a lot because then how could I ever end up being happy? I mean, even in the long run. I mean, I can take years and years of loneliness, but what if I start passing up chances because I am too negative? It's all that shit to help support my cruddy little ego, and this is not a fucking chemical imbalance problem. I am feeling much better about myself in that aspect... but I apparently have some messed up beliefs that I need to sort through. And you start to wonder how it got started. It's like, "Well, I'm alone... but, uh, that's fine..." Pause. "Yeah! Better than fine! It's great because everyone fucking sucks!" When in fact they do not suck, and I know this secretly, but I don't do anything to change it, I just keep complaining and man - what do I even want? Please note that this isn't dark, and that even though I'm crying, it's out of confusion and not depression. Thank you. I want to make things right; I just don't know how to get started. Maybe what I've been doing is catharsis. Maybe I'm trying to clear out some of the stupid things I've been arguing in my head so that I can finally be over them and develop some normal, healthy feelings. It just doesn't feel like it, though. Because I still think stuff like, "Well, I'm not gonna sign on AIM when I work at Freer tomorrow because no one's going to talk to me because they've all got better things to do." Resent resent resent, etc. Resent plus insecurity. And I wish I could just make normal conversation, but it's still so hard. Either I talk about stupid shallow bullshit or I go into way too much detail about my insane-o problems (see: entire diary), and I'm still so afraid of bothering people that trying to keep up conversation is like a chore or some deathmatch between the part of my brain that thinks I'm boring and the part that think I should keep talking because it's polite, and it makes for some pretty sketchy conversation, you know? What I need to be is be locked in a room with someone for just days, no escape, and just talk and talk until it starts to make sense. And I agree that it's sort of sad that such a thing seems necessary, but I've got so many ideas, and I need someone to make a forceful effort to prove them wrong, and I don't think there's anyone around in my life right now to do that. And it's kind of a weird thing to ask of someone, you know? Anyway, I'm sorry. I really am. For saying such hurtful things when I'm really only trying to protect myself. If it helps, I'm feeling all sorts of guilt, and I am open to suggestions if you have any. I feel like such a bad person. You have no idea how much I wish I could make it up to each and every person, but at the same time, I have this sinking feeling that I never could, and it just makes me feel all the worse. My stomach is in knots, and I'm so sorry. I don't even know what else to do... Nothing I can write feels like it's enough. I wish I could show it somehow. Anyway, I hope the hurt goes away... for everyone, I mean. I'm sorry for what I've done. I don't even get how you could forgive me, how you could spend time with me when there are so much easier people to be around. I don't get it. I'm not even sure you should, you know? What outstanding qualities do I have that make up for all the black and ickiness? And could you tell me how to see it, too?