10/24/2003 - 11:27 p.m. | crab people... crab people

I've been just a little down lately, and I guess I sort of know why. I miss how things were, I think. Everyone is so much busier now, and there's just a lot less cohesiveness. I would totally take all the disgustingness of the dork fort back if it meant that we could all be in the room together again. I just miss being needed... Hell, scratch that. I've never been needed. I just miss people wanting to hang out... I dunno - I guess I don't make much of an effort myself, but everyone knows I'm available. It's everyone else who has better things to do. Just a little alone, is all.

In journalism, I continue to improve myself and then we watch Roger & Me. This is my second time, but it's an enjoyable enough movie. Econ was fine, too. I spent a good chunk of it preparing for my stats test, followed by more preparation in the bowels of the architecture building. The test itself didn't go so hot. It's just the problem I've always had with math. I can understand the basic concept; I just don't know how to apply them. I'm not that type of thinker. Makes me a little sad, I guess, but at least I'm not in the wrong field, right? Anyway, I'm not really down because I saw people I know on the quad, and that always really cheers me up. That I have friends at all. Kyle give me an in bike ride high five, which I have long been, uh, longing for. So things are hardly lousy. Fall is really pretty. I like the weather a lot.

Ever notice how days seem to have weird little themese to them sometimes? Like yesterday, both movies I watched used the word "fuck-ass" in them. This is not a common word, and yet here I hear it twice within a couple hours. And today, I had this dream that my dad and I were lost in the suburbs near Gurnee, and we got caught in Scientologist territory, and they were all creepy and threatening, and then later on today, when I was in the basement of the architecture building, I saw this pamphlet: "Curious about yourself?" I was going to make it say "bi-curious" because I am just that funny, but I started to look through it, and it was this personality test for Scientology. You mail it in, and then they talk to you and sell you on their whacko electrolysis religion. How can I pass this up? I cannot. Still, strange how things go in pairs.

Anyway, not really feeling down about the test, I went out and spent money with Spritz. They finally put the shoes I've been looking at forever on sale, as well as 2 Kim Possible t-shirts for 10 bucks (and, you know, the usual). Mailed some junk, came back here, sat, sat, sat. Lisa and I talked for a bit and she invited me over for brief chai, which was very good, but I wouldn't want to tell her that because of the amazing number of times she asked if it was good or not. I probably shouldn't fuck with her. I probably shouldn't do a lot of things.

Came back, watched "I <3 the 80's" and various other programs along that line. Kyle came home and didn't want to do anything, and I'm sure as hell not brave enough to go anywhere alone yet, so I guess I'm just going to hit the hay. I just get down, that's all. I will be fine. It's just that right now I don't see what good I could do for anybody, no matter how hard I try, and that just makes me want to stay out of the way. And, I know, above all, the one thing I really need to be is confident. That would solve everything, it seems. If I didn't care about rejection or bothering people or what anyone thought, and I could just do whatever I felt. That's not how I am right now, though, so I guess we'll all just have to deal, hm?

I'll tell you what I do thrive under, however: isolation. Too big of an environment, too many things I could do, and I just choke and nothing gets done. Trap me in a small space, though, with just some shit lying around, and I can entertain myself for hours and hours. See Freer Gym. Which is why it is fortunate that I am working there tomorrow. I need some good time alone where I don't have to feel guilty because I'm not doing anything "important." I dunno who defines what that is, hence the quotes.