10/07/2003 - 10:59 a.m. | will i get better or stay the same?

I realize you all think I'm boring and safe, and I agree. You're right. I can't tell if it's whether I'm an "old soul" or whether I'm just scared, but I will never be exciting or attractive or interesting. I'm nice sometimes and a little funny and have my shit fairly well together pretty much all the time, and no one is interested in that right now. And they might not ever be. That's fine. It just makes me a little scared, is all. This is supposed to be the time for irresponsibility and craziness, and the fact that I make note of it instead of just doing it speaks volumes about me. I envy those who are that way, but I'm not sure I respect them. As is typical in times like these, I am tempted to just cut myself off from everybody (self-talk: "Like anyone would miss me anyway") because I am almost positive I could never change drastically enough to enjoy going out and constantly meeting new people, but I know in my heart that this is unreasonable. I really wish I could be like everyone else. Hmm - on the plus side, even though I seem to be going through some sort of little identity crisis thing, I am handling it better than I have in the past. I'm going to go shower and relax for a while and hopefully this will pass.