09/12/2003 - 2:48 p.m. | "one lady flew into the river."

I've become such a strange recluse. I'm lonely for so much of time, and yet I turn down people when they ask me to do shit, or I am very curt with them when we talk. I honestly couldn't tell you why that is. Perhaps I just want someone to really make an effort, which is lame as hell.

By the way, although I do seem to complain almost endlessly, this is not to say that my life does not have good things in it. For instance, today I had some pineapple orange juice. And a pretty girl looked up and smiled at me without me smiling first or saying something funny. And a flew over the construction site down by Nevada, screaming about how my death was near and yet having a total riot. These are good. And, I have some things planned. I am going to buy the classic dice game Yahtzee and develop an elaborate system so it makes all decisions for me. "Oh, man! All sixes! Now I have to get a nose ring!" And - this one is important - Nicolas Cage Movie Marathon. I would very much like to do it this weekend, but I have work for around 8 hours, and that's 4+ movies right there. You're welcome to join me, but I have already decided upon the list.

I need suggestions. For my next journalism assignment (next Friday), I have to attend some sort of an event (concert, speech, meeting, whatever) and report on it. Keep an eye out for stuff, all right? Thanks.

I've decided that, even though I don't really like any of my classes (I guess there's a first time for everything - I used to love almost all of my classes always), I can just float through them on little things. Making jokes with Zimos in Journalism, the New Zealander's accent in Econ, reading a book in Stats (along with the hopes of hearing another Kid Rock reference). Buying yet another U-shaped lock, even though the last one fucked me over. It's not a lot, I guess, but it gets me through.

I need some long term goals. This is what I've decided. See, my mom used to ask me, "What would make you happy in life?" And I used to say the standard junk (marriage, kids, etc), but now I don't even feel confident about those basics. I tried to make a list today, and it was a spectacular failure. I mean, it's never been a question of lack of meaning. I mean, life is never so useless as to despise it or whatever. The little things keep me afloat more than anything else. I just feel like there should be something to strive for. Actually, cancel that. There's something I do strive for. I want something I can strive for and achieve. Step one, stop being a curt assface.