08/29/2003 - 12:21 a.m. | no, i'm never gonna fall for anyone else but her

I�m bored. Well, not bored. Restless. Nothing�s really holding my attention right now. I wander from task to task, playing Harry Potter or reading (Calvin and Hobbes and D&D shit, just so you don�t think I�m actually the least bit intellectual) or trying to sleep or listening to music, and it�s just not� going well. I mean, this is not to say that I didn�t accomplish anything today. For one, I did manage to skip the IMPE meeting. Fuck. See, I thought the e-mail said it was on Quad Day, which I originally thought was today, but then when I was helping Brytne move in, I saw her calendar, and it was Quad Day was tomorrow. Turns out, it wasn�t on Quad Day at all. Shit. And, it�s not like I even slept in or got anything out of it. Stupid Nate. I did get my books, though. All $426 of them. I guess that�s pretty typical, but I�d been lucky up to this point. I did get a little reporter�s notebook, which is totally adorable. Also, the kitchen is finally clean, so chores will begin shortly hereafter, much to everyone�s immense pleasure, I�m sure. And I tried to call Doug Boyer of IMPE, but apparently, he is too full of rage to respond. Luckily, Brytne is coming home with a job ap for Office Depot. Yes, I am a shit.

Anyway, I�m stuck in sort of a rut. Kyle�s usually at work these days and when he�s not, he�s got Brytne to be with now (which is completely understandable) and Spritz�s usually out or sleeping or something. And I just feel a bit alone. Not a lot alone because this summer I was a lot alone, and this is miles better. I just wish there were someone who wanted to hang out with me. I thought about visiting Lisa, but I don�t think she really wants that, as well as the fact that I worry I would walk in on some intensely embarrassing situation for all involved. Part of my, uh, insanity or whatever is that I�d rather be alone and not bothering anyone than risking the latter to prevent the former. I miss AIM a little.

And, of course, there�s my typical problem, which I thought was letting up, but I guess not. Now I know it�s bad. I totally should be OK now, but the feeling still remains, and it really brings me down, just the confusion of it for me. And there shouldn�t even be confusion. Facts all point to the same thing, and yet I�m miserable and full of hope. Logic vs. Emotion. Winner kills all. Actually, made a doctor�s appointment to see if I can even the odds a little. Hopin� so. Something needs to get better.

Despite my best efforts, I still want a girl. And that�s not even sexually, necessarily (please don�t think of me having sex ever, as I couldn�t bear the thought myself). Just someone to spend time with and hug or something. Actually, what it all probably is is this crazy codependent, needy thing. I want to feel wanted and loved, and I hate that I want that, so I try to ignore it. More than that, I try to feel the opposite. I try very hard. And it works for shit. It�s like trying to not think about something. Of course you�ll think about it then. You have to think about what not to think about. Anyway, this aspect is what annoys me because I want it, and I don�t, and it�s not like it really matters anyway because no one�s falling all over me. Doesn�t matter if I like �em or not. Out of my hands.

Yeah, I am a little something.

On the plus side, I got in touch with Doug, and my punishment for not showing up at the meeting are two kickass shifts. Monday and Wednesday nights at Kenney and Freer. Easy money, shit yes. Spritz and I went out for Thai, and then I continued my lethargy back here (after briefly stopping to try and visit Dank, Zouie, and Yousaf, who live next to Stacia apparently) by reading Ender�s Game and dozing some. Boy howdy. Then, you know, a brief visit from Michelle and Sarah, followed by more �Scrubs.� Somehow I am exhausted.

Blabbing stupid shit alone is good reason never to get smashed. Alcohol seems to loosen one�s tongue, and I don�t care who you are, you�ve got at least one thing you don�t want one person to know about ever. Myself? I�ve already got some dangerous thoughts bobbing just under the surface. It�s a struggle to keep them down normally. I�d hate to see what would happen if they came up, so I�ll just stay safe.