06/02/2003 - 9:05 a.m. | yeah, gotta rewrite some stuff later

I'm still just not in a very good place right now. I dunno - I mean, the meds are working enough that I'm not collapsed on the floor or something (I have a feeling that this would be a pretty bad spell if it weren't for them), and the thoughts aren't as all-pervading as they once were, but I have myself thoroughly convinced that no ones likes me, especially the people I like the most. Stupid, right? But, even as I type this, I'm fighting my inner dialogue, which doesn't want to say that I have myself "convinced that no one really likes me," but that no one really likes me. And I am aware that this is stupid; a good chunk of me knows this... but I can't shake the feeling.

I was getting worried last night. I was pissed off, and when I get pissed off, I tend to do stupid things. I mean, not like drag racing or anything (WTF), just I might say some things to some people that I'm not prepared to say. It's difficult to explain the battle that goes on in my head at times. I really can't tell who's who. The part that stops me from doing things - is that the logical part? Or is that just paranoid emotion? So does that mean the part that wants me to do the stuff is logical? It doesn't seem like it, but what if every impulse I have is wrong, and I've been listening to the wrong side all along? Wow. Or, there's a good chance that there aren't any real differences in any of the players in my brain and that I just like having inner dialogues so much that I separated my traits into different spheres so that the conversations would be better. See? I'm interesting! Like the homeless person who screams gibberish at you! Sometimes I worry that writing this stuff might scare some people, but since I seem to think no one likes me anyway, be scared all you want. I'm not like this all the time... or at least it's not the clear-cut. Boy, I haven't showered in forever, and I have to leave soon. Good luck with your stuff.