04/10/2003 - 2:32 p.m. | longest entry ever

Excerpts:

4/7/03

"So, what's new? Dunno, dude. Party on Saturday, you know? I was freaked out there for a bit, but I took a walk or something, and it seemed to make me OK [I've been taking a lot of walks lately]. Man, to outsiders, our parties must seem like the trippiest shit ever. Dancin' robots, furries, two giant Mexican twins playing DDR... [All on film, by the way] It's pretty much just another day for us, though. I got offered head for one of our flamingo cups; terrified, I passed Hammy onto Spritz. He tried to bargain for 4 dollars instead. [I will resize picture and post... unless IMSA is shit. Which it is.]"

"No head - $4!"

I talked to Lisa face-to-face on Saturday. It actually went about the same as all our recent conversations, but this time she could see me cry, so she felt sorry for me. Yippie. Dunno how things are gonna work out. She came to the party and we listened to bad music and made fun of people together (e.g. disgusting Corn Pops monster), but that's the shallow stuff we're good at."

I get a little whiny here... I'm warnin' you.

"Sometimes I wonder what I could possibly offer anyone. I mean, I'm a nice enough guy - or I try to be (maybe it sounds contrived?) I'm funny enough, I guess... too much so sometimes. I can be cute a little sometimes... but I'm so paranoid and awkward. Making 'real' conversation is almost impossible for me to do early on. All crazy and emotional. And I'm still gangly and icky... zit-faced, skinny, pale... overdone. Just gross, you know? Everyone else I know is all photogenic and fresh-faced, and I'm all bleh. Bleh - never wanna see myself on film again. So yeah - what could anyone possibly find desirable in me? How could anyone be like, 'Boy, I wanna get with that Nate Walsh! He's a fucking nutjob!'

By the way, I haven't kissed a girl for around 10 weeks now. Passionate kiss? Even longer. Hmm. I'm just saying.

Man, I hate myself sometimes. I feel like just the ugliest person in the whole wide world.

Well, I can safely say the meds have not kicked in yet. I am completely down on myself right now. EVERYTHING about me, pants included. And I'm not even trying to be argue how insane and illogical this is. Whatever. I'm prolly right anyway.

The bright yellow happy picnic shirt is a plus, though."

"Sometimes I almost do hope the meds flatline my emotions. I would love to be apathetic. Clever, cold, composed. Fuck you, I don't need anyone. I've been trying to establish eye contact with passerby lately. Today, it felt more like I was burning the fuckers. Why should I be afraid of you? Be afraid of me, assface. I'll freak you out from now on, OK?

To Spritz, females have less hair on their bodies than guys because they have more fat to keep them warm. Ha. I'm a super genius.

Bill has this habit of leaping in the middle of pictures other people are taking and striking an idiotic pose [I drew an awesome diagram, but scanning is a pain]"

4/8/03

"We all have decisions to make. I decided to stay up until 4. Michelle decided to forget her practice tests and had to come back (thus cancelling out our good deed of walking her back) - 4:30. Spritz and I decided to eat Corn Pops and talk. 5. The birds decided to sing. 5:30. Good morning, world. Can't wait 'til I can crash. Stupid math test, though.

Lisa, despite her claims that I should be more honest in this diary, doesn't want me to talk about her. She is my censor and my best friend.

I suppose that there is some difficulty reaching orgasm, but it might just be in my head (rimshot). Seriously, telling a guy that sort of thing is just asking for trouble. Ironic suppression and whatnot. You can't forget what you try the hardest to. Anyway, I have to, like, squeeze them out. haha - Too much info. Man, I wish guys could fake it. I'd fake it like a motherfucker. EVERY TIME. See what it feels like then, ladies [I suppose this would require some sort of girl around anyway... nevermind]! Yeah, that's one plus of the celibacy forced upon me. One-handed bra unsnap, g-spot, creepy ineptitude. Honestly, don't miss being a failure.

Seriously, nothing like sex to make you feel impotent. It is prolly best to be alone."

You'll note I'm being a lot more candid than usual. Deal with it. This is a long entry.

"To recap the day, I am very tired, but I didn't sleep fuck you. After work (damn Asian couples not understanding that we close at 1), I went to Walgreens for shampoo. Bread was 2 loaves for a dollar, which could not be passed up. Now you're living the hobo lifestyle! Seriously, no one in America should go hungry with deals like these! True, it's a little stale, but this is college, you know?

The plan was to sleep from 1 until 5. This plan failed ue to tea and Gin Blossoms with Lisa. This is not to say that this change was a bad idea, but I am certainly hurting now (12:25 am). The tea was very good; it was an actual sack of twigs and leaves and flowers and crap, so we had to keep picking them out of our mouths :D

Soon, it was time for IMPE work meeting. The situation seems as follows: get promoted or get fired. Because CRCE will be closed next year and I guess 'cause no more free towels (apparently these cost over $100,000 a year), DCR staff size will be quite reduced. As such, there is no more need for reps; everyone will have to become TLs (team leaders) and learn CPR and clean up barf and earn an extra 35 cents an hour. Yes. Seems worth it. CPR class next week.

Additionally, I am signing up for the chance to guard a field from tresspassers. hahaha - $6 an hour to sit outside, yell at people, and get beat up.

Then ran to a lot of places. To Allen for "American Idol." To Engineering Hall for bubble tea with Michelle. Math now."

4/9/03

"Know how I kept joking about staying up until 4? Despite only 2.5 hours of sleep the previous night? Yeah... 4:30. I'm so dumb. At least the math is learning. Michelle insinuated that I am a rapist. So much for trying to be nice and walk her back.

It's sad when like 4.5 hours of sleep is a big step up. Only... 4 more classes. Dear God. Not that my first class was really a big upper. Math test mangled me pretty bad. I knew the basics; hell, I always do. Application of them is beyond me, though. Oh, man... I hope I don't fail! My first C would be bad enough. I don't want anything lower than that. On the plus side, 95/100 on Entomology test. The future is set. I have a sore throat.

Yeah, these notes best be organized. Though I was exhausted, I went out for lunch with Spritz. Thai at the shit Thai place (comparatively). I had a big bowl of ass broth with shitty, fatty beef. Um - not a good rating.

Then I crashed eventually.

The kid next to me [in history] is in my Entomology class (he always sits a row or two ahead of me). I absolutely despise him. I have no idea why. I didn't even know he was in this class. What the fuck?

Dangerous! is my middle name. Not Danger. DANGEROUS. Lisa funny"

OK, that is it for notes. Mostly.