04/04/2003 - 9:44 p.m. | joking aside

Despite my jokes, you oughta know that I'm not entirely unworried by my medicationess myself. I mean, there are stigmas, you know? When "Dr. Robin" made the suggestion that I should take Prozac instead of Paxil, I freaked out a little too. Like so many others, I kind of had the whole line of thought like... "Paxil's just for little things and Prozac's for when you're really fucked up" but you know... doctor's suggestion. And I didn't make this decision so lightly. I mean, there is a tendency to be like, "Oh - I'm sad now and then! Drug me up!" Seriously, folks, I'm messed up all the time. You have no idea. I've learned to cope with it, to hide how I'm really feeling... enough that I can usually seem socially acceptable, but I've never gotten any closer to getting over the problem. It's always here, and I'm just sick of it, so I'm giving something a shot. Yes, it is scary that to feel "normal," I might have to depend on a stupid drug for all of my life, but that's how so many of us have been raised to think. Psychological disorders are considered exactly that; they aren't considered to be normal diseases. Someone taking medicine for heart problems is fine; someone taking medicine for anxiety is screwed up. People can't really understand what it's like to have a disorder like this unless they actually do. I mean, I've tried to explain how I feel, and no one can totally understand. They'll be like, "Well, that's silly that you feel that way!" and I'll agree, but I can't fix it or control it. Even my mom who at least understands what I'm feeling (because she is the same way) is worried about this recent turn of events. I mean, she puts up with it... and honestly, I could too. But I have the option not to. Some people don't take aspirin when they have a headache because they think the aspirin is bad for them or something, and they have the right to choose. I do too, though. And this is by no means a sure thing, believe me. I mean, if I start getting the freaky side effects or if I do lose all my highs and lows and just kind of flatline, maybe I won't like it. Maybe I won't be able to tell anymore. I guess that's why I'm gonna keep track of it in here. Should I trade in the lows for the highs? Guess we'll see.