03/19/2003 - 2:48 a.m. | the weight it sits on down and i dunno

"Well, I'll leave you alone" is just chock full of subtext. Enough subtext to stun a yak. Decoded, it means, "Well, you seem disinterested in what I am saying, so if you'd like to continue the conversation, I'm going to need a little reassurance, by way of compliment or excuse or some such nonsense. An ego boost, if you will." I know this because Tyler knows this. Also, because I have learned to do it myself. I try not to do it anymore - it puts the person on the other end in a bit of a situation which can turn annoying - but the urge lurks at times. We could all use some self-assurance. Self-deprecation has become so deeply-rooted in me. I wish I could turn it off and become comfortable with myself all the way. I wish I could turn off most of the little things I worry about. There would not make me a cold person, I do not think. There is probably a difference between worrying and caring, and although they might be confused, I would much prefer the latter. The ladder. But really, I don't deserve it. I mean, sometimes I don't put up with other's paranoia... so why should they put up with mine? I could just say, "No, it's OK - I like talking to you. I'm a little busy is all" and be done with it, but is that enabling? And it might lead to more nonsense (e.g. "Well, I'll let you work then," etc.) Actually, just watch out for the word "well" in general. She is full of trickery. Words are feminine, I've decided (hence the "she"). The more I think about it, the more layers this code has. Ellipses indicate uncertainty or a reluctance almost - definitely more to the picture than is being revealed. Three exclamation points are lies. Don't believe them. Periods are angry or at least stern. I will write about my day later. Good night.