03/02/2003 - 12:17 p.m. | touchy feely entries bore you, i bet

OK, so the self-destructive thing I came up with was reading pretty much any saved conversation or e-mail I have from Lis. Yes, that pretty much does the trick. Ack, my stomach. It's such an outright contrast, really. I mean, last night we were on the phone and she was bashing me, my friends, my way of life... She said she regretted our whole relationship because of how awful things are now, and essentially how I am an awful friend and a terrible person over and over. All of these things are prolly true (I certainly felt like hurling myself in front of a bus to end this fucking shallow life), but it's insane when in contrast to something like - well, nevermind. Too painful to quote them directly, but it's very miserable stuff, and I wish I hadn't hurt her lately, but this break up thing is pretty new to me. It finally occurs to me that relationships are such a crazy gamble. Like, you like someone and you want to be with them even closer, you know? But then, if it fucks up, it's hard even being friends like you were beforehand. A crap shoot (chute?) is what it is.

I had a mopey alone night, I guess, but I'm not in the same panic-y mood I was... I miss comfort and relationshippy stuff. I know, it's lame, and it's my own fault... I didn't know how to act around new friend Lisa, and I fucked things up there... Bleh - I miss having her on my side. She says I didn't share my feelings with her, but it was about as close as I ever got.

In other news, I have assloads of homework, and even though I got up at 12 instead of 2 (as I suspected), I should probably get started with it all soon. Piles to read and a math assignment... what else is new?

Man man man - I have this voice message from Lisa (from our little internet answering machine at home), and she's all cute and sleepy and like, "Don't worry; I'll never get sick of you!" So, no, Lis - I'm not completely "over you" yet.

As if all this weren't bad enough, I have a little bit of a [HAT - Edit: I have a little bit of a HAT... not a crush], which is filling me up with the same old inadeqaucy I have when I contemplate a girl ever liking me. Paranoia grows exponentially, and I just think of myself as this awful, boring, annoying, ugly person that no one could ever be attracted to, and how pretty much every guy in the whole world is better than me. Man, I rock.

May I once again quote John Mayer's "Why Georgia?" - "So what? So I've got a smile on? It's hiding the quiet superstitions in my head" God, that feels like me to a T, man. I'm terrified of real conversation with people, and I seem so shallow, but on the inside I'm just so... I dunno... messed up. Heh - yet another reason why no one should like me.