01/03/2003 - 3:01 p.m. | freak out (a bit)

Sometimes I'm not sure if starting this diary was a good thing. Well, I'm torn, I suppose. I like that people have the opportunity to read it most of the time, but occasionally, I have to censor myself, and that's fucking stupid. I should be able to just say what I want, but because it's public, now I can't. So I dunno what to do. I guess I could lock this diary, but then no one would read it again, and I might as well go bak to paper... I could have 2 diaries - this one and a "secret" one - but I'd still be pissy that I couldn't say what I want. I could just go ahead and say it all anyway, and just risk the awfulness... I dunno - tell me what you think. Would you want to post whatever in here, even if it might possibly be bad stuff about you?

I'm in a not great mood right now... Not depressed exactly, but really, really lethargic... See, I'm supposed to go into Chicago tomorrow with my mom and her friend Doug and then try and meet Lis somewhere... but there's all this planning and I'm sort of the middle man, and everyone asks questions, and I never have answers, and currently, I just am not taking it well. Even more conflict, I guess. I don't know if I even want to go or not. I mean, I do sort of... but thinking about stuff (where to meet, what to do, dates, times, etc.) is making it less than attractive. And I probably shouldn't even talk about because then people might go and read this and immediately blow it out of proportion (not just you, Lis), and then I feel all guilty, and they'll be like, "Don't feel guilty" but how many times does that ever work? Even though they honestly really aren't, I feel like all sorts of things are really complicated right now, and I'm searching for simple. I don't wanna make plans or discuss or decide stuff... I either want to be led around or do nothing at all. It's a little more extreme than usual. I contemplated faking illness... I dunno what to do. If I go, I'll probably have a good time, and if I don't, I'll be miserable, but I feel exactly the opposite right now. There's a bit of a knot in my stomach. Sorry if I'm repetitive. I feel like this tremendous hassle and that I should just hide somewhere until it all blows over...

"and I knew the world was over, so I took a look outside"

I dunno - does this sound normal to you? Am I sick or something? Honestly, you could help me out if you want. A pep talk would be good even... Lots of people just seem annoyed by me. And my hair is flat.