07/12/2005 - 8:56 p.m. | see you.

Uhhh... I've been losing my train of thought a lot lately.

OK, I didn't sleep at all Sunday night. I spent the whole night unable to lie still, all hot and bothered.

About whom?

Funny you should ask. I'm actually in search of a new project. My unrealistically high self-esteem has me convinced that I can attract pretty much anyone given enough time and the right circumstances. Thanks a lot, Hitch. I sat there all night thinking about my track record, and it ended up looking like some sort of game wherein me, the none-too-attractive clever young geek, used the power of the internet to attract girls far too pretty for him, at which point they would fall in love and his crazy would start to rule him again. Fun story. Most recently, of course, there was Allison Helm - who I only knew from a facebook picture (I liked her mischievous eyebrows) - but who is now somehow a fairly close friend and who also usually has half a mind to do me when she is drunk, even though I had once alienated her and her whole Allen Hall social circle. So we count that as a success (and thank our lucky stars that I only referred to her as "my Everest" and not "my white whale"), but it sort of leaves me high and dry as far as goals go. Which is why I've stumbled upon this new one: We must get us a Champaign person. The common link between all of my previous lady friends - Lisa, Andrea, Missy, Allison - is that they are all Urbana people and, as such, are somewhat drawn to the type of person I already am. We're starting on common ground, is what I mean. With a Champaign person, our range of shared interests drops violently, and suddenly I'm left talking about beer pong or lip balm or whatever goes on in their crazy little world. See? I have no idea. Which is why it is such a challenge. They won't care about my ecclectic interests or my vapid moodiness - they'll just notice how tan I'm not and how I'm drinking only girl drinks tiny sips at a time. This will prove my theory! Or blow up right in my face. And believe me, I am happy with either outcome.

So, goal in mind, I tossed about some more, trying to figure out who to start with. I don't know that many Champaign people, guys. IMSA people were of course automatically out - so were Allen Hall kids - and that left me without about squat. Luckily, I happen to have a major (advertising) and a career (telemarketing) that has thrown me right into sorority ho central. So I ran through people I knew even in the slightest... Drew Alm? No, she clearly has some Urbana in her. Justine? She's a definite Champaign person, but she's got a guy already... That one girl who bartends at KAMS? Oh hell yes, but I can't stand wavy hair. It went on in this manner, and I kept hoping it would eventually put me to sleep, but nope. And I came to a conclusion: I choose you, Brittany Seymour! Yes, you strangely-attractive exception proving the rule redhead from telemarketing! You with the big smile and who I've made conversation with twice (a whole two times!) There. The choice has been made, and as such, I took to elevating her relative attractiveness in my mind such that my powers could be better focused. It's a sick game, I know, but if I don't have it, I think I'd kill myself.

I think it helped that I came to a conclusion and started forming a long term plan. Maybe it was because it was past 6. Who knows? I fell asleep. And what a tremendous day that followed! I was just manic enough to get a good deal of insane paperwork done (in my maddened state, the bizarre logic of doing everyone's work for them was perfect). It made sense to go home and take a nap, but I would have none of that, so I started shopping for birthday presents for Missy. Unfortunately, I had been too insomnia drunk to remember my wallet that morning, so those purchases would have to wait. Instead, I scrubbed the bathroom on my hands and knees for the next two hours. See, I get fun when I'm crazy! I finally plugged my wireless card into my laptop, and it worked surprisngly well... for about 10 minutes* Now it is slowly eating away at my poor little friend's innards such that Microsoft Word is crashing mid-entry. And it decided it could not find the internet. Thanks, friend!

*My first task being to check Brittany's facebook entry and make sure she was still single - you can never tell with those Champaign people... "Looking For: friendship" Ha! Give it time, my dear. We'll be out clubbing by next winter, I can assure you!

I read a study a while back about sleep deprivation cures depression. I think the results are the same, but I'm not sure I agree with their logic. It's the same way people drink to forget their sadness; it just makes them feel something else for a while, better or worse. It's not easy to be down on yourself when you're stumbling around, barely forming coherent sentences and trying to make photocopies.

Want to know something that worries me? I BET YOU DO! I have a feeling that I'm about a step away from an eating disorder and that the only thing that has kept me sane is that I'm actually skinny. Only now I'm starting to lose the skinny. I mean, not entirely - I'm still wearing size 28 girl jeans, but I've noticed a marked increase in the flab or rolls around my tummy, and it is wearing into my brain. And when Shelly or Kyle mention it, it only gets worse. I know, what goes around comes around, asshole, but I don't know what to do. Mentally, I've already decided to stop drinking for a while, and I've got to, got to convince myself to keep running, but then that makes my skin bad, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to feel gross, but I'm also fucking lazy as hell, and all I eat is crap. That has to stop, or my brain might start hinting at unhealthier alternatives...