06/03/2005 - 6:06 p.m. | and there we are, fuckwit

Nasty thoughts today, friends. Oh, I don't even know about that, but I am suddenly feeling all oppressed and whatnot. Like, I woke up today to cross the guard, and the cute girl from next door (the same cute girl that was drinking a glass of wine on the back porch that one night?) was getting in a taxi, and we kind of gave each other a look, and I'm suddenly back on the same old track. Why am I in college and in a monogamous relationship? Why now, of all times? And then Missy sends me the cutest little care package today, all thought out and containing the Kim Possible movie and such, and I feel so bad for these thoughts, but that doesn't seem to make them go away. I guess it's easier to be in a relationship, even if it is a long distance one like this [Oh, here's an aside for you: Shelly started working at Ned Kelly's steakhouse, and when she comes back from like her six hour shift, she and Kyle are all kissy face and all, "Oh, I missed you so much" Fuck off and die. I see my girlfriend twice a month at best]. And what do you do when all your friends are in a relationship as well (or two or three in some cases)? I mean, even if I were single, I would not be out there getting girls left and right, because who would I go do that with? The only single person I know right now (and whose company I enjoy) is Smacko - or at least that is what rumor (Brytne) has said - and he is not exactly a huge catch for the ladies either. Add in my particular set of personality traits, and I'd be plum fucked. But still I can't get it off my mind.

Same with money. I really need some sort of substantial job. I mean, I love my little part-time shits here and there, and they keep me in enough money to cover food and bills (sort of - we find that not acknowledging the $600 credit card balance is the best way to ignore it), but they don't leave room for anything extra at all. And I'm not even talking about big stuff, like a mandolin or the adorable little Walkman MP3 player I want oh-so badly; I can't even buy my next book without feeling pretty guilty about it. I have this list on Amazon of all these CDs and books and old games that I want, and I could get lots of them used for pretty cheap, but I just hold out, waiting for some sort of windfall that is never going to happen.

Ha - quite the opposite actually. This big fucking semi moving truck was blocking the driveway today, so I had to back all the way out to cross the guard, and apparently in the process I completely fucked Kyle's side mirror. We came out later to get some Dairy Queen and there was a ten minute murder mystery with Shelly as the main suspect, and I was all thinking, "Man, it would suck to have pay for that." And, hello dolly, looks like I get to find out how much it will suck after all! I don't even know how I did that shit without noticing, but oh well, what's done is done, and now God knows how many hundreds of dollars I don't have are soon to be sucked down the drain. And Kyle is all like, "Well, just talk to my parents. They won't want to go through insurance with it [as Kyle is already being reamed hard by them as it is], so they'll probably pay for the whole thing if you're willing to keep it under the table..." But that seems like blackmail or something to me, and it is my fault, fucking idiot that I am, so I just don't feel comfortable with it going down like that. It would be sort of nice if I could pay them back in installments, though... or possibly some sort of indentured servitude, I don't care. God, I'm a fucking moron. Oh well, it won't be the first time something like this happened......

Oh, did I neglect to mention that the first go-around? Oh, heavens, how could that have happened? On my birthday sophomore year (when Shelly got fucking bombed on box wine) I offered to drive her car home so that she wouldn't die in a horrible fiery wreck. As they say, no good deed goes unpunished, and I misjudged the distance to some huge horrible concrete pole in her packing lot and scraped up the side of her car somewhat. Guilty as all hell, I offered to pay for it, and we searched the town for the cheapest place. $500. Of course, this was back when I still had factory money in my coffer, but you can believe not a day goes by when I wish I still had that sitting around for me. It sucks balls being poor.

Finally, I had a dream I fought my grandpa last night. The dead one. Since I lowered the dose on my meds, the crazy has leaked back up to the surface, leaving my dreams mostly untainted, but this was a scary one. This is actually the second time my grandpa Raymo showed up in a dream, but at least last time he was all friendly and nice. This time he just kept being a prick until I finally snapped and started yelling these awful things at him, and he started fucking punching me. I had known it was coming the whole time, but it was still enough to shock me awake. What a swell start to a swell day. With any luck I shall drive my car into a wall while delivering cookies. Sometimes I think about going over the cliff a little earlier than planned. But then I think, well, what the fuck then? Might as well get some shit on financing, right? Yeah, like I'll be approved for any of that shit. Stupid money.

"This is the story of Victoria's cunt
It's a pretty good one - except this time of the month."