02/09/2005 - 9:06 p.m. | another misplaced entry

This entry was supposed to be written a long time ago from a series of copious, often completely incomprehensible, notes I took for myself, but I think I'll just type off the notes sheet and try and explain as best as possible. This took place right around the time we moved into the house, from when Ducky and Bill worked as my assistants that one day at the candy store. Actually, this time in general is missing a lot. Justin came to visit at the end, and then we had Shelly's birthday party that nobody at all showed up for. But I didn't take notes on that, except the numbers we ran on how much Beast Ice we needed (Hint: Too much).

Middle of August (8/10 - 8/15), notes:

crude pictograms on the walls of caves - OK, I have no idea what this means. Off to a great start!

Tuesday
Jenni, sex toys, peter meter, handjobs
This was the first night we tried going to the strip club. Ducky drove, and I couldn't stop playing with this satellite radio thingie. I would love one for my car, but the shit would kill me, 'cause I'd spend my whole time focusing on that, searching through song titles or artists currently playing. But, think! I found 2 Old 97's songs in one half an hour drive! That shit is impressive! We stopped at a gas station along the way and sort of flirted with this girl Jenni at the counter, mostly because we were thinking of trying to buy booze there. (Incidentally, this is the first time Sean D. Mills really occurred to me). Naturally, she assumed we were gay, we learned later. On to the strip club we went (only a little lost), but it turned out weekday hours were much shorter, and we weren't about to spend ten bucks for fifteen minutes of hell. We'd need an hour at least! Out of ideas, we smoked cigars in the parking lot, and I convinced Ducky to stop at the creepy "spa" down the road. Joejin Massage... open late. Completely terrified, but giggling at the idea of getting handjobs from some ugly whores, we took turns daring eachother to go inside. Finally, I got sort of close, going through the frosted glass door. Had there been a desk or something, I would have been OK, but it was just this creepy wooden door with a peephole and a doorbell. Fuck that. We ran. Now completely tapped, we went back to the gas station to flirt with Jenni some more. We stayed around almost a sickening amount of time and ended up with her number (with a star over the "I" in her name!) To pass the time, I kept running to the bathroom to dump quarters in the condom machine for the "novelty toys" (A bad habit that's stuck with me to this day). Besides the hi-larious mini-condom and the pineapple (??) flavored one I ate, we also got a one-day marriage certificate (Such that we married Ducky and Jenni together, and he said creepy shit to her from pretty much there on out), "the Screamer" or something similar (This creepy bumpy thing I guess you put on your penis to use as a cheese grater on your lover's insides), and the Peter Meter, a strip of paper you could use to calculate how impressive your penis size was. As I recall, I was somewhere between "For large girls & small cattle" and "Home Wrecker Size." I also took my shirt off at some point in the evening? Ah, sweet desperation. And Spritz played the guitar when we got home.

Wednesday
strip club - wooo (I am the cute one)
We actually made it in the strip club this night. I drove this time (Ducky drank Wild Turkey from the bottle), and we stopped at the gas station on the way to see if Jenni was there. She wasn't, and when we tried calling her, I think we reached her mom. However, we did get a hold of her, and she revealed to me in secret that she thought I was the cute one. "Better than Spritz?" I asked. Anything to prop up my fragile self-esteem, doesn't matter how chubby they are. As for the club itself, well, it was pretty dead and lousy. I wasn't drunk this time, so there was less hilarity for me, but Spritz had his cigars, and Ducky's face was full of nasty, scarred boobs, so who could complain? At one point, when my head was between the legs of one of the less gross "entertainers," she got a little overenthusiastic and slammed my head into the runway. Hot. I like it rough. On the drive back, I discovered the problem wherein my car windows don't always have enough energy to roll up. I turned off all electrical devices (interior lights, A/C, radio, etc.) to try and help. It didn't.

Thursday
worked at Hot Topic? looked for bling. Even then, I was searching for the trucker flap girl in necklace form. Unfortunately, despite looking at the many, many shitty little junk jewelry kiosks all over, none of them had anything I wanted. I mean, except the huge, bejeweled Martin Luther King, Jr. medallion and Rotating Bling Crucifix. Yum.
something amazing... carting like a snail
I wish I could remember what the amazing thing was... The snail thing I may have mentioned, as pretty much every possession was crammed into the back of my car by this point, and all I was doing was carting it all around. I felt like a cute snail! A cute one, damn it!
Craig Charles!
At some point during this week, I stumbled upon the old school "Robot Wars" hosted by crazy Brit Craig Charles, whom I love. Ask to see his awesome kiss greeting!

Friday
clean clean clean... and clean
I soaked the walls!!
pissy Jane; out with parent; giving the eye
Pretty much a boring evening, it would seem. My parents were in town, watching me mop the store, and then out to Olive Garden, where I kept giving this girl at the next table over the eye. I did that a lot back then, and my parents thought it was funny.
out with Jenni - 3 way highly-conceivable; what friends?
After going out with my folks, Spritz and I met with Jenni from the gas station at the Highdive. She brought two friends with her, and though I thought one was sort of hot, she was too busy grinding up on huge black guys, so we left well enough alone. Jenni herself was pretty much wasted, and as Spritz and I danced with her simultaneously (Homoerotically?), we realized that there was a very real possibility of an awful, awful threesome going down. She kept inviting us back to her place, but I think we were both scared as hell, going rotisserie-style on her and whatnot. She drove home completely obliterated.
late night vaccuuming, soap dumping
After we hate Steak 'n' Shake, I think, I was the only one to return to the apartment that night. I stayed up 'til three or four, vaccuuming all the rooms and screaming loudly along with... Neutral Milk Hotel, I think. I slept on the floor.
Ducky's wallet @ stripclub? There's a safe spot.
It turns out it wasn't, thankfully.

Saturday
leapt out of bed! to destroy my alarm clock.
goodbye apartment (b.o. room)
I guess someone's room smelled like B.O.? No idea, really.
shopping with parents - don't I feel like a grownup
I guess because almost of my birthday gifts were housewares - shelves and fans and shit.
prepube rule nearly violated - omg brown argule (sic?) skirt!
Well, of course I still remember her! This girl came into Hot Topic, and though she looked young, she was so amazing hot that I totally would have ignored my mall-related prepube rule. She had pretty much the best skirt (and legs) I have ever seen and pretty cute little boobs in a "Dorks are hot" shirt, and she was totally checking me out as much as I was her, but I still would've felt like a sinner. Man, I miss the Hot Topic job sometimes.
only Jen is my reason to live! <3 <3 <3
Again, nothing but fuzzy feelings for Goth Pants, Inc. I apparently also decided to list the first things I actually decided to buy there that day: A henna tattoo kit (to make Kyle's "Crisco Party" come true!), my piece of shit cute green bracelet that broke like a week later, and a quasi-charming "Spin the Bottle - Regional Champion" t-shirt. Mostly I liked the idea of only really being good enough to reach regionals. "They wanted me to tongue dudes to get to sectionals!!" Plus, I must have vaguely thought it would have gotten me some.
wandering the neighboorhood (stalker car, vampiric bat, etc.)
Still getting acclimated to our new world (Two blocks over!), Shelly, Kyle, and I went exploring the neighboorhood, trying to find people's trash to steal for our own. One house had a huge stockpile, including one of those NES floorpads you could use for the marathon game and piles and piles of dirty housewares. Unfortunately, the only thing we had time to grab was the Vampiric Bat of +1 Slaying, for this creepy car with a TV antenna on top was cruising around, stalking us. I still see that fucker around. I wish I knew his plots.
oh BET
I concur.

Sunday
fatal flaw: "At least a fucking apologize!"
OK, I do remember this one. See, I have this extremely bad habit of trying to further anger people when they are mad at me. Example: I might have, er, accidentally passed (which is to say, "cut off") this one guy as I drove with Justin to the theatre, and he was sort of pissed, I think. I think this because at the next light he pulled up next to me and started freaking out and yelling and stuff. Admittedly, this was all my stupid fault, etc., etc., but I'm sure not going to give him the pleasure of knowing this, so I started miming a "boo hoo" face at him through the window. Which led him to reply with an explosion of rage and the above quote. I eventually did a-fucking apologize, just as we were driving off, and it took ALL of my self-control to not add, "that you're such a whiny fuck! Ha ha ha!" Like I said, my tendency to ridicule those who are criticizing me will lead to my eventual downfall. I can deal with this.
ONE BAD CRAZY DAY
Justin and I went to see Collateral, and I didn't think the title made much sense, so I opted for the aforementioned instead. It was a better movie than I expected, but that could be because the scene with Tom Cruise falling on a chair is the funniest thing in the world. I replay it in my mind over and over and over again.
burn parrot!
I had this parrot pinata, right? Yeah, we lit the fucker in the backyard, getting on Dave Kraft's bad side within our first week of living here. "I'm very disappointed in your guys," etc. Yeah, but then you didn't see a huge crazy burning bird, did you?
driving noted author home - gas, lost
This one took a minute to figure out, but the "noted author" is John Grisham, the gay guy that briefly worked with me at the candy store. I bought him lunch once and gave him a ride home, except we were really, really low on gas, so in going up an on-ramp, we almost stalled. He freaked out, and I giggled. Then I got completely lost in some corn fields for over an hour.
fuck your shower! but then... marshmallow kisses!
When we first moved in, I was really reluctant to shower in a new location, but once I finally got in, I thought it was so soft and nice... like marshmallow kisses. Right.
fucking husky psycho - big $$
I really am sort of amazed I still know what this stuff means. See, this guy came into the candy store and bought over $100 worth of husky dog stuffed animals. Suffice to say, he was clearly mentally deficient. But at least he was wearing a husky sweatshirt as well. Did he remove his money from a Digimon wallet contained in a silken pouch? Yes, I do believe I remember that.
what's life living for except to write about.
Good point. Also something about a "war of self-esteem?" where "attention is the weapon." "I am supposed to be well-armed. There is my problem." Just emo bullshit, I guess. Furthermore, is it better to be really happy once a week or just sort of content everyday? Still thinking...
Nate vs. Shelly: Battle Royale (gleek!) oh, Kam's :(
The latter part escapes me - I mean, other than that Kam's makes me sad. I do remember the battle, though. Shelly gleeked at me, and I went apeshit on her... a shocking prelude to her socking me in the face six months down the road.
phlegm phlegm phlegm phlegm
I am a healthy young man. I wonder if this was the time when I coughed up something that looked like a piece of fish :)