02/02/2005 - 3:59 p.m. | kissed my girl by the fact'ry wall

Maybe I'm not going into as much detail as I used to once upon a time. And it's not that I couldn't. I still think completely in diary mode and pretty much my whole life is internally narrated as if I'd be writing it for you to read. Unfortunately, I'm lazy as all hell and really don't enjoy the transcription process from head to internet. If some sort of wiring could be hooked up, no matter how unsafe or untested it might be, I would be first on the list. As it is, only brute strength gets me to relive what I was already reliving at the moment when I was living it. And we all know how strong I am.

Kyle pointed out that I didn't really mention Missy in my weekend entry at all. I noticed that myself as I wrote it but was hoping maybe no one would notice. It's not that we didn't do anything - pretty much everything I listed, she was there - but we didn't do all that much on our own, mostly because we are indecisive as all hell. While I worked, she did her homework (put flowers in green water so that they themselves would turn green) and when I was done, we'd do whatever anyone else was doing. We ate meals, but there wasn't much to say about them, and were cold as fuck in my room. I dunno.

More flak:

michelleawetzler: i def noticed lack o missy in entries. i'm the one that mentioned it to kyle, actually.
michelleawetzler: poor girl
mrk r azy11: DONT GUILT ME
michelleawetzler: "Missy came this weekend and she was super cute. " YEAH REAL HARD NATE
mrk r azy11: But that's so boring. Everyone writes that shit in their awful, awful xangas and puts "I LOVE RYAN" in their AIM profiles with a heart in the place of an "O," and that's notmy style. Admitting I like anyone is bad, bad news.
michelleawetzler: i know how you work nate walsh
michelleawetzler: i'm just saying it would have hurt my feelings
michelleawetzler: just something to think about

The public-private thing continues to elude people. Yes, I do think my girlthing is quite cute, and I do tell her this quite often. But, I think that makes pretty horrible reading for you people out there, so I try to stick to things with a little more punch to them, like how awful I think everyone else is.

Kyle: How's work?
Me: Hmmm... Go get the phone book. Then call random names from it and ask them to send you hundreds of dollars. Let me know how well you do.

I'm a real life telemarketer now. Yesterday I made $190 in pledges (and sent out quite a few pledge forms besides, which may or may not result in more money), meaning U of I has already received $70 back on their investment in me over the last four days. The calling really isn't that bad - the practice did pay off, I must admit, and the whole thing sort of plays like a game in my mind. They like to reward us for high pledges and whatnot, but it's really all about luck and probability (much like retail work), so I basically ignore them. I'll be as pleasant and personable as I can be reading a script, and we'll just hope for the best. Indeed, that $190? Yeah, that was 3 calls. Out of 150 or so. Most people were nice enough, no one bad enough that I had to take down there number and drunkenly taunt them in a week's time. I'd pretend I was interested in the Illini game, and they'd pretend they were interested in sending me hundreds of dollars. Only real points of interest were calling this guy named Hercules Zagoras and the Vice President of Advertising at the McDonald's Corporation. Before we make each call, we're shown a screen that tells basic information about the person we're about to pester - their age, what they went to school for, what they do now, etc. So I see this Hercules guy, and I'm like "LOL!" So I call him and do my thing: "Blah blah blah U of I student Mr. Zagoras..." And he's like, "Please. Call me Hercules." We'll just add to the top of my list of children's names from here on out. He was really friendly, too. Didn't even crush the phone into dust when I asked for money. As the McDonald's V-P, I actually didn't get to talk, but I was highly tempted to leave him a message about how brilliant he was for creating "i'm lovin' it!" But I thought better of it.

Lately, it's not that I've been regretting things exactly... but I've been very curious as to how they might have turned out different if I had done just a few things differently. For instance, I just keep inventing stories about what might have happened to me if I had not gone to IMSA. I mean, I feel like I made the right choice, of course I do, but the consequences of having gone seem so far reaching that it's hard to imagine how I would even be today.

I feel like I might still be going to U of I because I was always elitist enough to look down on community college. Major... might be the same, maybe English, though. Chances are I wouldn't know any of the people I know now. But maybe... because I guess the idea goes that I would probably be an Allen Hall person or maybe an ISR, and then circles might occasionally diverge. Then again, what if I just went completely nuts and decided that I wasn't social enough (e.g. wasn't getting any) and joined a frat. I don't think I would fit in at all, and I would probably drink a lot more and in turn go out a lot more, and that seems really unlike me, but... I would also sort of like to know what it was like. I wouldn't like... any of the same music I do now probably, as most everything I like now is all an offshoot from Lisa Yung (Thanks, Lis, incidentally). So what then? God, emo? "Man, the new Yellowcard album kicks so much ass!" Would I look the same? Unlikely... Probably same old sense of style, lots of earth tones and a little less metro. But then, would I be on the meds? How well would I be at acknowledging my problems? Hmm, all these questions. I would love to know, I guess. I'd actually sort of like to live that other life for just a while to see how things were, but unfortunately it's not like I can just try it on for size. I just think junctures like that are interesting, is all.

Here are some notes I wrote for myself on, let's see, September 9th (That's about a week before I went to Texas with Missy, keep in mind):

no relationship because they ruin everyone
speculation if i am dating
reasonably content of what i becoming not an asshole well maybe
And this looks interesting.

Update: Another discussion with Michelle regarding relationships ruining everyone. I still believe it to be true. I don't know anyone who hasn't been brought down in some level by being in a relationship. And I don't always mean a lot, but it does always happen. You become less interesting, and your priorities shift to more mundane ones, and your freedom goes out the door. I suppose that if you are happy in the relationship, then that stuff doesn't matter to you, but as a constant outsider, it bugs the hell out of me, seeing it happening to everyone. It's much more interesting to have something to strive for, and being interesting is more important than being content. Well, how I see it anyway.

michelleawetzler: you are like a mix of [dr.] cox and jd

This, admittedly, is rather apt.