01/08/2005 - 9:31 p.m. | keep drinking then

Here is what made me sad. This is from Andrea's Xanga May 3rd, 2004:

"I like boys. I like boys often. The degree to which I like boys often confuses me and causes problems. Well, not so much problems as lots of thought. And it's not the kind of thought that gets you anywhere, its the thought that you just toy and play around with in your mind, letting your brain marinate in the characteristics of these boys and the things you may feel for them. Let you go back and remember just exactly how it felt when he...

So thought that really gets you no where. I came to the conclusion that you can never analyze the way you feel about someone or why you feel that way about them. Feelings don't come from mutal interests or from similar life stories...they come from no where. This point I've decided has been proven with alot of boys I've met thus far, becuase the ones I've ended up liking and sometimes loving where the ones that I had little intrest in to begin with or ones that I flat out did not like at first. Like my ex boyfriend, I didn't want a relationship at first...I mean, he was cool I thought...but nothing special. But now hes one of the people I respect and admire and all such things the most. But I started loving him before I even knew all the best things about him. And I had these crazy pre-love feelings for him before I even really knew him that well. You know those feelings when you can't stop kissing someone for anything....

It sometimes scares me when I have those pre-love feelings....cause its another step in myself letting go and another step in caring for the person and starting the brain marination process. Those feelings are also alot harder to get rid of once the boy rejects you. I think I've had those feelings about 3 times after James so far. And its a crazy crazy thing. Especially when youre not sure....or when youre too sure...of how the other person feels.

I don't know why I'm feeling these feelings right now....I don't know at all. I didn't really have any crazy long awesome talks with him...I didn't do anything amazing...he didn't say anything profound. I just felt at home for awhile...I felt all tingly inside...and now I feel a deep pain because he's not right here now.

So just thinking about why this happens boggles my mind. I'd just like to accept that it happens...and that you can just like certain people. As creepy as it sounds...liking an axe murderer or something...if it fits it fits. And there seems to be quite a few I'll fit with on this level. Now where things like this go is when it gets important and when my brain will be done marinating...and be ready for the grill....

wtf was that....

I don't really know whats beyond the love I felt for James. But sometimes...I get scared of the pre-love growing into love growing into.....something scary. Scary because if something were to happen there...I'd be stuck on it for years. I mean..I still think about James....what would happen if I got closer than that.

For some reason this has just made me sad."

I hope to Jesus that she was just cheating on me a hilarious amount at this time and that she is talking about someone else right then, but God, if not. I am the worst person ever sometimes. I feel sick. And now she is with some dude, and he has a very wide head and looks sort of Mexican, and honestly... how could I not feel guilt?