11/22/2004 - 8:56 p.m. | important journalism

After having my ass handed to me once more by Piston Honda (2nd incarnation) in "Punch Out" (I mistakenly referred to it earlier as the Mike Tyson version, but then he raped that woman and was suddenly replaced by "Mr. Dream" - I am so disillusioned... twelve years after the fact), I dug around trying to find something worthy of play by one so physically handicapped as myself. It was amidst this pile of shit and sawdust in the corner that I found an IMSA Real Science disc with a hidden gem never discovered: The Big Wazowski, written, directed, edited by, and starring Andy Quitmeyer. He did most of the soundtrack as well. Our original attempts to watch the film were thwarted by the ghetto ass DVD clashing competitively with our ghetto ass DVD player, but this time around I have a decent computer of my own and decided to try playing the shit. It worked. And man, do I mean it worked.

There are some very easy parallels to draw between this film and its inspiration, The Big Lebowski. For instance, he says, pulling one out entirely at random, many people have said that Lebowski is better on the weed weed; Wazowski, its darker cousin, might require something a little stronger. PCP. A bottle of furniture varnish. That is not to say that the movie is not enjoyable on its own - trust me, I had a riot and was in love with its technique and characters. But to understand it... well, I'm not sure I could ever do that alone. As I have often stated in the past, Quitmeyer operates a few levels above the rest of us, maybe half a dimension over. I know some creative people - I might even consider myself one if I were drunk enough - but Andy's vision is so clear and so distorted that you can only watch in awe. His vision, twisted as it may be to us common folk, is flawlessly executed. I have the distinct feeling that he knows exactly what he is doing every step of the way. Some people might point out flaws or flubs or continuity errors, but I don't think that's correct. Everything feels 100% intentional to me, and if I don't always get it, I blame myself, not him.

The plot? God, I can try, guys. Andy, playing himself (or some version close to it), is visited by the cycloptic Mike Wazowski, star of the Disney-Pixar film Monsters, Inc. As one might expect of a creature so single-sighted (HA!), Mike presses upon Andy the need for a multi-spectrum computer monitor - because regular monitors are made up of millions of little laser beams slowly destroying millions of years of evolution right in our own heads. Whether Mike is real or a figment of Andy's imagination is left open to discussion; after all, Andy's best friend is a talking Homer Simpson novelty watch named Steven. As Andy is just receiving his first set of royalties for the multi-spectrum monitor (which no one else can seem to pronounce the name of... and which may not have been invented yet), he is suddenly thrust into a series of encounters with representatives of the other four senses. And that's about as far as I can confidently go.

Quitmeyer is an effective actor for the role, but then, I know Andy and he is playing himself, so he should have it down fairly well. My favorite scenes included those with the Asian man who "just did a roundabout kick and sent him flying" through a piece of drywall, the blind man's ultra-smooth go-kart exit, and the entire "Black Water" end sequence. You might not like this film because you don't understand it. I sure as hell know I don't understand it, but despite its madness, it's so well-formed and seemingly-coherent that I feel like I will understand it as long as I keep watching it. I just need a few bags more of mushrooms.

4 out of 4.

All I can say is, Mr. Quitmeyer, 1) I need more of your films and 2) if you are in need of a personal assistant now or ever, I hereby submit my name to the top of the list. Your vision will not be compromised, I can assure you of that. Call me.

Finally, I was almost-eerily attracted to Andy's sister. Is that creepy? Is she going to come to U of I? Can I have her number maybe?