02/26/2004 - 1:20 a.m. | i'd be lyin' if i said i didn't have designs on you

If I, like, clean my room, work a little, and edit a Disney Channel movie, I somehow feel like I've accomplished a lot in a day. The guitar shop up the street offers mandolin lessons. Finally, a goal worth striving for. "Maggie May" all the time, shitheads. It's always hard justifying my actions when someone comes to take a tour of the apartment, and I'm watching "The Proud Family." Which is why I do not bother. And now... the review you have all been waiting for:

See, the thing about Pixel Perfect is that it's a lot darker than most Disney Channel movies. It deals with some actual issues - technology and ethics, impossible standards, copyright laws, weird abstract representations of the internet. Actually, really, really weird. And the thing in the brain got sort of theological or something. Anyway, points for the drummer, Roscoe (Could I pull off blue and brown together? Because he does in like every damn scene!), and of course, Sam, who were all totally cute. Minus points for Loretta, who is sort of gross, I think but back in second grade I might have liked her. I'll still watch it repeatedly, of course. But that doesn't mean I should!

Oh yeah, the Jesus movie was all right too. I dunno - it certainly was pretty graphic, and I would not recommend that my grandma watch it, but I didn't really mind too much. I liked Mel Gibson's little demon and Satan (played by a woman! gasp!) additions, but that's probably 'cause I'm a creepy fuck and find that sort of thing interesting. And yes, it was almost hilariously anti-Semitic. Even Pilate was portrayed in a fairly decent light. Meanwhile, the Jews were out for blood in a bad way. Like, Jesus gets all whipped and beat to shit and stuff, and Pilate goes, "Is this enough for you?" "NO! CRUCIFY HIM!" "What? No... Really?" "CRUCIFY HIM!" Without any serious reasoning at all. And I am really glad TV got invented because apparently in the past people just laughed at people getting beaten or crucified a lot. Scary thought. Incidentally, was Jesus a virgin when He died? Shelly and Mysterious Fellow tried to sit next to us but were ousted by a group of black people, one of whom asked regarding the subtitles, "Is it gonna be like this all the way through?" Of everyone, I found Mary Magdalene the most interesting, but maybe that's because they said almost nothing about her. Or that she had big boobs and was in The Matrix. Either or.

Perhaps the funniest (and certainly the most sacreligious) joint idea that Dank and I came up with only needed some time, and it was probably a good thing we did not have it. Solemnly entering the theatre with a giant cardboard cross with Boba Fett on it (with Ewok entourage and a roaring Chewbacca at the front??) is the funniest thing I can imagine, and I am sorry if that is rude. Just consider that pretty much anything is better with the addition of Boba Fett completely out of place. The girl who worked the counter at Savoy was absolutely adorable, and Dank yelled at me for not asking for her number, but man - it took me so long to fish out change for my Sour Patch Kids that there was no way I could save face. Yes, that is a lame excuse, but I am going to go with it.

And now, because I did make some sort of vague promise about this that I wish I hadn't because I have attracted some real winners, here are the women thus far who have contacted me on hotornot and a few of their more telling keywords. For your convenience, we will use color coding for the keywords - green good, red bad, and black is usually confusion:

From Eastern Illinois University:

Keyword: awesome
Comments: This was her only keyword. I would hope she'd be pretty awesome. It takes balls, though, I think. To say only that.

From Millikin University:

Keywords: adventurous, camping, children, cuddling, curious, dancing, fitness, german, hip hop, hollywood, illinois, irish, laughing, leisure, lincoln, lutheran, puerto rican, recreation, singing, soccer, talent
Comments: Well, besides the weird Lincoln fetish and the fact that she is from Hollywood, IL, she's a pretty adorable mix of random cultures. "Recreation" is too much like "sports" for me. Then again, soccer players have nice legs, right?

High school senior (Who knows where?):

Keywords: 80's music, britney spears, europe, fidm, white water rafting
Comments: I tried to fidm all in my pocket, but they wouldn't all fid.

From the University of Chicago:

Keywords: bowling, diabetes, diet coke, hollister, jason mraz, jewish, kissing, puddle of mudd, punk, sailing, soccer
Comments: She is punk. Like me. But she is Jewish, and as I learned tonight, they apparently were evil and wanted Jesus dead so, so much. Meanwhile, Diet Coke is ass, and I've heard "The Remedy" just a few too many times.. The "kissing" thing could be good unless she sucks face like a certain drunken someone.

From the pits of Hell:

Keywords: canadian, chocolat, drinking, freindly, itallian, loud, playfull, son
Comments: I am trying to avoid making a joke about Canada, but I don't know how much longer I can hold out. And good to see she already has a son. SPAWN!

Man, I just happened to look at my diaryland profile there a second ago. I certainly sound gay! Ha ha!