02/22/2004 - 3:32 a.m. | bear chasing polonious; failing that, polonius

Last night can be summed up thusly: Gathering a big ass group of people, going to Old Navy (er), then Red Lobster for a long wait and some faithful old crippling diarrhea, then the theatre for BOXING GAME (still too much fun) and Eurotrip, which, while amazing stupid, was also pretty awesome, too, what with the Michelle Trachtenberg and the David Hasselhoff and the so, so many penises. Went back to Dank's to watch GaS, and by some strange stroke of fortune, Yousaf asked if I wanted some merlot. Seems his parents got some as a business gift or something, and they couldn't drink it, so they gave it to Yousaf to donate to "Kyle's parents." The exciting part was that Yousaf looked it up, and it's supposed to be like a $17 bottle, which I expect I shall never have again. We had to go to Schnucks for an opener, though, and I think they exaggerated a little with the price there. I'm thinking maybe $4. But then, I'm an ass. Lots of leering at prepubescent Amanda Bynes until we couldn't stay awake, then I promptly walked home and stayed up for another three hours looking at t-shirts I want. Stupid wasting my money on dumb things like clothes. Also, some guys threw firecrackers at me on the walk home. Thank you.

The morning (by which I mean the afternoon) was pretty much wasted. Kyle and Spritz sat in here playing Gameboy while I listened to music and played the Google image game followed by an actual, real game that is less fun than the Google image game. Also more likely to crash. Hold on, I just spilled a bunch of cheese popcorn, and I have to devour it off the floor. Yum. Last night, Yousaf walked in suddenly and asked, "Nate, what are you doing tomorrow at 5:30?" Well, apparently, what he was leading to was the fact that he and Kitty were coming over to drink with Kyle and Brytne. Besides the fact that it's like sickeningly early, the only positive of getting drunk is throwing up on Dank's homework, and he was out, so no dice.

Spritz's friend from home was visiting, and although I would never have suggested it because I have this weird politeness bordering on schizoid behavior to deal with, we were all going to go out with them. We being Spritz, Brytne, Ashley (the friend) and two of her guy friends, Kitty, and both Bashes. Nice. This took more than a little time (and pregaming) to get underway, but we finally got out the door around 11:30. Seeing as how Bubble Tape has become a crucial part of my lifestyle (??), I ran ahead to get some at the gas station, and I swear to God... President Lincoln was there. OK, so it was just a guy dressed up as Lincoln, but that's still some messed up shit to run into, sober or not. There was also a girl dressed up as Monica Lewinski and some secret service agent, too. The black guy in front of me said he was dressed as the next president when I asked. I asked what his platform was and then noticed the two boxes of Trojans he was buying. Safe sex it is. Like always on Saturday nights, the line was taking forever, so I just ran out and caught up with everybody. First stop, Niket's.

Here's where things get a little strange, but that's mostly due to my personality. After I got something to drink and watched as Elliott somehow instantly became Kitty and Brytne's fourth roommate, I started dancing a little bit, as I am wont to do. Unlike so many others, I don't really use it as a powerful seductive tool. I just like flailing my arms a lot. Anyway, this girl kept trying to get my attention, but (like always) I assumed it was just a series of repeated accidents. Guess not. Anyway, so I started dancing with this girl (Katie), and um... she was into me. There's a twist. So, obviously I am not prepared for this sort of thing, and I am so weird and British (not through accent - through awkward behavior), so I just think, "All right, just play along." OK, she probably just accidentally rubbed your crotch there. And I bet she was trying to grab a wasp, not my butt. And she's probably just grinding her crotch onto my thigh because it's itchy. Then things started getting weird. She really wanted me to go with her and her friend (who just kind of looked on in bemusement) to Joe's ("They have poles there" WINK) and went about trying to convince me (i.e. suck my face). It's hard to explain what's going on in my head at this time because I am not really all that attracted to this girl, but I sort of think it would be rude not to accept her advances. Like I said, I don't quite make sense. So yes. She was not a great kisser. Says Mr. Expert. And, of course, I'm also secretly laughing it up with anybody else I know and that's watching me. That's just the sort of guy I am. I mean, the idea of me being a sexual being is just bizarre, and I'm sure I think so more than anyone. So, she starts getting downright perverse (so much that we are told to cool it by one of the party's hosts) what with the her trying to shove my hand down her ass and the less and less thinly-veiled innuendos. From calling me a cutie a bunch of time ("Thanks?") to a oh-so-subtle "I'd totally spend the night with you." Perhaps this means that I'm just a big girly man, but the poor girl was really smashed and obviously not thinking straight (you could see it in her eyes), and I didn't want her doing anything she'd regret in the morning (namely, me). Also, as one who has never been done to before, I don't think I want my first doing done by this particular misguided individual. So I did the only reasonable thing: Said I had to pee and got out like a bat out of hell. Meanwhile, kudos all around. And hiding. Let's not forget the hiding. I can't tell if Ashley was being sarcastic or not when she asked if I got much action, but you can bet what my guess is.

So, we started towards this frat party that we weren't precisely sure how to get into, but we were at least a pretty big drunken mass, and that's gotta be worth something. The short conversations you have with passerby are probably my favorite part of the whole experience. We ended up waiting a long, long time sort of near the frat while we tried to figure out how to get in, and almost everyone had to pee (and I almost rolled in some). This particular frat was right across the street from Lisa's old place (Justin's Lisa, incidentally), and they will both be happy to know that there is still a perfect hydrant-shaped hole in the ground from before the break. When I was walking back to the group, I found a racquetball, and the rest of my night was pretty much set. It didn't seem like we were ever going to get anyway, and the Bashes asked if I wanted to walk with them to where ever, so I left for a while to do that. Ooh - by the way, you probably won't be able to see it, but if they are comfortable ("drunk") enough around you, they start doing this two man comic show thing, except they are both pretty much the same man remember, which only adds to the hilarity. You should see.

I did a lot of walking the rest of the night. To the bus stop with the Bashes, where I decided to see what everyone was up to. Back to the frat, where I guess they got in, so I stood outside and sang country songs quietly for a while. Finally met up with them (Spritz and his Mike Tyson ear) and we walked back home, then I walked Kitty back. Oh - and by the one frat, the black presidential candidate from before came up to me to ask for a light. Small world. I screamed at him. OK, all clear. Arf arf.