02/09/2004 - 12:38 a.m. | waste of my time

Last night's somewhat disturbing dream involved getting a job in a cubicle and failing miserably. Apparently my language was too flowery. Some might worry try to overthink these sorts of things, but the last thing I want to do right now is think.

Actually, it's sort of weird. I'm without conflict lately, internal or otherwise. I guess I came to some sort of conclusion that I don't really need anything from anyone right now. I guess I do miss going out on adventures, but that requires people and time, and most of the people I know don't have the time. And I don't even know what I mean by "adventures." So many things seem to have an ulterior motive, and right now, I want purity. I think I like being a free spirit because I can always just say no. Or ignore them, if I'm feeling particularly nasty. If you're met with aloofness, I apologize, but maybe it's because I've just gotten so used to swimming in it.

I've been watching a lot of movies, which fills me with the happy notion that I am just a teensy step closer to IMDB. And I just hooked up my TV card today, opening the door to a sick new world. I am going to have so many bizarre screen captures and ripped Disney Channel movies. I have gone so far as to tilt my bed into a better position for both not moving and watching. Still, I really miss music and books, but I have this thing about wanting to actually own them (stupid libraries), and I'm trying to hold off on purchases until I accrue some funds. There was a 20% off sale at Borders, and I abstained. And I forgot about my $10 off coupon from Best Buy.

I'm sorry. There just haven't been many documentable things going on in my life. Now that I can finally hook my camera up to the computer, I could finally edit last year's movie, but I wish there were more to add to it. It's just that everyone is in a slump (or at least what I would perceive to be a sleep between UO and work and girls... Many others might call that a full life!), and I haven't pinpointed what I'm shooting for yet. Like, what it is I would like to do with this time, you know? What does everyone else have? Let's think... Some people have school. Next. Some have drugs. Nope. Some have beer and KAM'S and all the goodness one associates with that. Not the type. Lots want to get laid, but I don't think I click with that. Some people talk about things to sound smart, but I don't even really talk about normal things too much. Some people play games. No. Not enough attention. I just don't know what I want to do. And that makes it hard to find people to do it with. I sort of would like to go around and just mess with people. I dunno in what way. Just, dunno, elaborate back stories and weird confidence schemes. But that would never actually get me anywhere. Forward for a bit and then back to start. OK, and sewing hundreds of weird little cloth dolls might be good, but I need supplies for that. Or clay animals? I need a passion is what I'm saying. I'm doing fine with my jobs and school and friends, but there's nothing I just really, really care for.

Actually, what I should really do is clean the tub, but it's getting late, and there are kids who need their crosses guarded tomorrow, so I should be heading out. Maybe something will come to me in a dream, but more likely, I will just have a bizarre dream about some vague failing I believe I have. Goody goody.