01/05/2004 - 10:08 p.m. | nate walsh has issues with commitment

Oh, I guess I shouldn't probably use my full name in my diary here because then mysterious strangers could steal my identity, and I'd be righteously screwed. "OH NO! MY IDENTITY!!! IT'S BEEN STOLEN!" Then again, I'm not sure what anyone would want with my identity. For example, I could write about the last couple of days for you, but it would read more like an issue of TV Guide than the thought-captivating journal you are so damned used to. So you go right ahead. That $1,100 credit limit is all yours.

Anyway, regarding the title more specifically, I've been doing some thinking. Why am I so reluctant to pursue any close personal relationships? Despite my joking, I know I'm at least a little cute, especially when I am all Old-Navy'd out, as is the case today. And I will let you in on a little secret: For a while, confidence hasn't been as huge of an issue as I might pretend. It's actually painfully easy to be confident - ask me to demonstrate sometime - but it's not a side of me that I particularly like using. Not even that, because it's not as though I'm necessarily an ass when I'm confident (although this could be the case, and I am merely just missing it). More like it's a game I don't even want to be involved in. And here we reach the crucial why.

I am a fierce guardian of my time. Even if I do choose to waste it sitting around watching bad TV shows or thinking aimlessly about whatever, it has always been my choice as to how I use it. And I guess you could say that I am selfish, that I do not want to sacrifice my time for someone else. At least right now I don't. Of course, you could argue that if I did get involved in a relationship with someone I really liked a lot, it wouldn't feel like a sacrifice at all. It never was with Lisa. But more recently I'm afraid of getting involved in some sort of time-sucking relationship, and I really want to hold onto my independence. If I never had anything else, I could always claim my time.

So, how do I get out of this particular mindset? Do I even want to? I can't tell you exactly. It's not as though I want shallow relationships either because that only ends up hurting people, and I'm not for that. It's like I am happy with the status quo... even if I'm not entirely. I think this all goes back to my unbelievably high standards - and not just for me. OK, let's suppose for a minute here that A likes B, and B likes C. So, it would follow that A should probably like C as well, right? Well, somewhere along the way, A's logic got contorted to the point where A thinks that C is not really good enough for someone as good as B. It's like I have to seek out flaws. So, is anybody good enough for anybody then? Perhaps, but then they probably don't like A or B. ;) Maybe I shouldn't be so sardonic, no?

Anyway, as far as day-to-day stuff goes... Picture a donkey tied to a huge boulder trying to get to a carrot a few feet away. Poetic, aren't I? Even if my grammar is lacking. Yesterday was movies, today was movies, with some good food here and there. I won't say much about the films, except that I finally saw Wild, Wild West, and it was hardly the stinkpot I had been led to believe. I mean, it still wasn't very good, and had I been put in charge of it, it could've been made better, but that is essentially true of all films. When will Hollywood learn that all they have to do to make movies better is show them to me beforehand? I should start writing letters.

New computer is finally underway, assuming shit modem keeps me connected long enough to order parts. I smell like baby powder. :|