11/19/2003 - 1:46 a.m. | i have orion's belt on my chin

I guess time wasn't all too mysteriously sucked away today. After I stopped bitching and finally just finished my damn journalism paper, then I had plenty of time to lie around with Kyle and sing and hump the bed and such. I never implied that I was brilliant. We watched all of the Legally Blonde deleted scenes, and this time they were very, very necessary. In most cases, the scenes they chose not to put in were pretty much useless anyway. The director seems to have decided, however, that we could probably piece together what was going on in the story without seeing it happen. "Oh... I guess she got a job in Washington?" Then! Redneck Comedy Tour!! As is the case on most days, I kill time until "Lilo & Stitch" comes on, and then I resist my urge to say "Awww!" like 20 times. At this point, I'm finally about ready to shower.

I went to the library to do some research for my already mostly written JLit paper. Not research for my own sake, of course. I wouldn't leave my damn room for that. But Prof. Pastreich wants sources, and I had to go find him some. And, since I was there, looked for vampire books :D They have them, but I guess someone else is going through this phase and checked them all out. I dunno what was up, but things looked a little off to me all afternoon. Like, when I first stepped out to go to the library, the air seemed to have sort of a yellowish tint to it. I assumed it was just the old jaundice acting up, but then I remembered from, like, The Indian in the Cupboard or some shit that yellow sky was supposed to indicate tornadoes or something. Then, when I left the library (which, by the way, was hot as hell!), it was like someone turned my contrast up or something. Maybe that's not what I mean... Just, everything dark seemed really dark and everything light was really bright, and it sort of created an eerie atmosphere. The fact that the lights were out on most of Illinois St. did not help. Perhaps I just have cinematic vision because I think I really could unnerve some people if I presented a world like that. My bike seat and I got in this argument where I wouldn't wipe the water off, and it wasn't about to let the water slide off on its own, so there was no sitting for me. This seemed funnier when I was cackling about it to myself in front of Rentertainment.

Anyway, I got back and did not intend to watch VH1 - certainly did intend to watch the 40 greatest celebrity feuds hosted by Stone Cold Steve Austin - but there I was, hunkered under a blanket because our climate control system is so sporadic. It was mostly lame, but it did remind me how I wanted to learn about Andy Kaufman. So throw that on the list: Andy Kaufman and vampires.

Correction: Andy Kaufman, vampires, and the mandolin. Listen, I have no chance of ever being a great musician, but if Kyle and I are gonna start a band (The One-Minute Wonders, as far as I can tell), I sure as hell am not going to be able to provide a guitar. Guitars are expensive, and I'd still suck balls at them. However, according to an ebay listing: ITS AMAZING YOU CAN BUY A PLAYABLE MANDOLIN AT THESE PRICES. Damn right it is! Add it to the Christmas list!! Although I will probably stop as soon as I learn the part from "Maggie Mae." Arg.

Sunk back into my standard mode, alt-country and Super Nintendo, until Kyle and Brytne came back, and we watched Los Muertos, the sequel to John Carpenter's Vampires. We are talking all star cast here, folks. We've got Jon Bon Jovi (HOT!) as the head vampire hunter, Caroline from High Fidelity (Do you remember her? The one who wrote the music column towards the end and John Cusack was sort of getting interested in her? Well, anyway, I remember...) as the half-vampire heroine, Fake Antonio Sabado, Jr. as the priest, Mexican street urchin Sancho... AND! In a stunning breakout role, fucking Eddie Winslow from "Family Matters" as the same old fucking vampire hunter who gets bit and decides he should probably hide it from everyone else. Man, he got so big, and his voice is so low, and he seriously was in the movie for like 15 minutes, but man!! I guess my favorite part was that he got turned into a vampire because he let this totally random chick who just appeared in the middle of the desert (appeared when he knew that this vampire queen was lurking around in the area - actually supposed to be on guard for her) give him a blowjob. At least it's a new spin on the suck your blood thing. And - you hear it here first, folks - "You've never lived 'til you've got head from a vampire." I've been wanting to know that for so long. No, seriously. I have worked in a factory, and that topic has come up in my mind. Natually, I didn't mention it because I thought it smacked of perversion, but now that I know that Eddie Winslow is down with it, I'm all good.

We all ran out to the grocery store a little while later. Kyle called Brytne "beef" (as in, "Get my phone, beef"), and I on the spot decided that it was the funniest thing I've heard in about a month. Knowing a thing or two about girls, naturally I knew that no matter how happy it made me to hear Kyle call Brytne "beef," she would not be pleased, and then Kyle would not be pleased, etc. Therefore, I tried to make it worth the emotional suffering. A nickel for Kyle every time he calls her "beef." A damn good deal, I would think. But it was a losing battle. Still, I can't help laughing even now.

I picked out a rather insane combination of foods tonight, following my random whims in their entirety. We've got the limeade (which is just really sweet lime juice, I guess), guacamole Doritos (is anyone really surprised that they're ass?), and Fruit Roll-ups. My body tries to protest, but I just shove more strawberry plastic into it to shut it up.

Pretty much my reason for existence is making fun of Allen Wittman's away messages??