11/11/2003 - 12:37 a.m. | in black clothing, i'll be there

I think it's safe to say that no more will be happening this evening, and I can write my damn stupid diary entry already. It's funny how quickly the hours melt from ten in the morning to ... whatever it is now. Nothing seems like it gets done, and yet here I am trying to make it sound like it. That's a gift, folks, and you should appreciate it! Of course, I am not a PUBLISHED AUTHOR, nor will I ever be, but you have to adore my rustic charm, right? And in return, I love all of you. ALL of you. Was that creepy enough? All of YOU. That's better. An interesting note: It seems I went to bed last night at almost six, and I have virtually no memory of this. I so thought it was like 3 or something. But no - dawn. The memory is a confusing bitch.

Honestly, class. Why even try? Ugh. I just read other things when I'm there. I feel so cheated?? Nevermind - let's move on. I believe I accidentally skipped a bonus JLit lecture from Professor Pastreich today, but it was not in vain! Just to prove to my brain and the rest of you naysayers (I'm going to start calling horses naysayers - funny, no?) that I can still move as a creative, functional entity, I... made a diary template. I hesitate to put it up, however, because I would get complaints! "Where are the happles!" they would cry. And I would have no answer. I love the happles, too, everybody! Just... change is good too sometimes? Anyway, here is a link to my prototype -> OR NOT. I mean. If you like it, you could tell me and maybe I will take your vote into consideration. If not... hmmm... I'm still happy I made it :)

After class, Spritz and I went to Perkins for lunch. There was a horrible screaming monster baby two tables over, and we were both at our wits' end. I am well aware that babies cry; I can tolerate that fact. However, if your particular baby is screaming pretty much nonstop, it is your duty to take it outside away from the masses or someone ("Spritz") will break his melon fucking head off. I ordered off the kids' menu today: pizza bagel and fries. $4. Seriously, I have been missing out on some good shit, and while I do not appreciate the waiter acting like it was a chore for me to be over 12 and order the shit, it was just what I needed. We went to tan afterwards. Whenever we walk in, it always smells strangely like hot dogs, and while I know that it is not actually frankfurters cooking, I try not to think about what actually is and can therefore continue keeping my pizza bagels safely in my tummy. Went for the big 8 minutes today. I have a slight fear that they will leave the machine on too long, but it is well within my control. A lot of things are these days. I'm not sure... I feel a change. I do not know what to make of this change, whether it has made me better or worse, but things are different. If I can get over the hump, perhaps I will be better overall. I have gotten over the worst thing of all, though, which I need not mention to any of you.

Tried my very best to shower in five minutes. Failed failed FAILED absolutely miserably, but that's OK. So are the two adverbs. At work tonight, I did some easy reading and thought about starting on my stats homework, but decided to wait until I had a computer and/or Will at my disposal (because I am not good at it, see). On the plus side, I can put off my advertising assignment until Thursday now! Then I just read and read. I want to paste quotes a lot, but I know it is of little interest to you (much like the lyrics - I should resist that urge, right?) Stream of consciousness writing continues to fascinate me, even if I don't get it. I think maybe the not getting it is what really intrigues me. I try writing it myself, but it seems to always end up reflecting poorly upon me. I get this strange sort of superiority that I know I do not need. I am capable, I hope you understand that. And I am more than aware of your feelings. I don't care if you think I'm a freak for it, but I care about you and if that makes me different from how I am supposed to be, I will deal with it, and you will not be bothered by me for long. How many other people do you know like that? Yeah! And it makes my eyes water.

Ever since a certain visualization exercise in crazy group, I can't help but picture myself in third person. I would love to direct - especially music videos, I think - but everyone has silly dreams. After work, I rode to Rentertainment to get more vampire movies. I swear to you, I should be working there. Perhaps I am not a film buff (hate the phrase), but I have an amazing appreciation (perhaps past that...) and the potential to know so much if I were put in the right position. Every time I'm in there, I hear somebody say something that I could totally add onto. They need to be informed, I feel. And that's rude. As rude as talking during a movie, which as far as I'm concerned should be a capital offense. Unless I'm doing it. I never said I was fair. And I could much easier be silent and get lost in the film (even a terrible film) than many of you. It's just the way I am.

Tonight's selections were Dracula 2000 and Dracula II: Ascension (which is the sequel to the former, I guess... why not Dracula 2003?). The first was at least something. It presented new information, and that's what I'm looking for: a new take, new ideas, different perspective. And Jeri Ryan has massive boobs and an ugly, ugly face. The second was just awful and full of holes and left me sort of annoyed. Oh, well - we shall try again. The obsession remains. And, as far as brilliance goes, Kyle yelled out " CHOCOLATE CEREAL!!" as a battle cry at one point, and he gets one hundred and fifty points for that because it makes me laugh so much.

We went to Late Nite and I ate salt because that's pretty much all I crave these days. And at work tonight, I knew I shouldn't but there Uni High girls practicing volleyball and they have these tiny, tiny shorts and they kept touching their toes and how am I not supposed to occasionally look? This makes me a bad person, doesn't it? I saw a sign on the drive home tonight: "IS DATING BIBLICAL?" Man, there's an excuse right there. I try to be an essentially good person, and I really think I am. Actually, a scary part of me thinks I am a better person. Better than what? Nevermind. And I feel unsorted, I guess, but all of my conflicting issues sort of balance out to where I could probably be OK if you got to know me. I would be good to be with on a desert island. I just need some time and effort and hopefully, even that can be put aside down the road. "How could you not like me!" he wonders. But I make an effort for about a minute before I get jittery and you've got things on your mind, and some of you are very lucky, I hope you realize. This is not to say that I am unlucky. I just think everyone needs to appreciate what they have.

Everything feels clearer. Not like I've got it all together, but now I can at least see well enough to work at putting it all together. Hope maybe? When Kyle and I were driving home in the rain, I was sipping milk and he put on "Everybody Hurts" and it's just so beautiful and sad that it feels good to be doing what I'm doing. Scenic. Picturesque. What stupid words. Miss you?