09/22/2003 - 1:22 a.m. | kim possible has the calves of a goddess

Here are some important details you couldn't live without (it is 1:22 in the morning, but all I do is take naps, so it feels around 10ish... shoo): First of all, it was Dad's Weekend here, which is of little importance to me except for the fact that there are a lot more fat, balding/graying wieners walking about with as their idiot kids show them the sights ("Here's the parking lot I threw up in"). Anyway, while we were at Meijer, I started pretending Spritz was my dad, first asking him to buy me shit and then throwing a tantrum of sorts. "Jesus, Dad! You don't even know me! You come down here once a year like it's gonna fucking give us a close relationship or something, and you try to make me go to the football game, and if you knew anything about me you'd know I don't like football! I'm my own person!" I could never be a real actor, but I can do some badass melodrama for my own purposes. Example 2: So, we're on our way home, and we're at the light at Green and Sixth and there's this idiot painted up all orange and blue and wearing a mask and dancing around and generally trying to act as wacky as possible. He has a sign: "HONK if you bleed orange and blue." And, of course, everyone's ignoring him because he is an idiot. My first instinct was (I switch tense a lot) to get out of the car, slit my wrists, say, "No, guess I bleed red," and die at his feet, but I seem to be not ready for seppuku yet. Instead, I managed to get his attention and then pantomimed being completely bewildered by the content of his sign. I shrug my shoulders. "What?" He points to "HONK." Shrug some more while shaking my head. "I don't get it!" He points to the orange and blue on himself. I pantomime shooting myself in the head and then give him a quizzical look. He sort of nods and points to "HONK" again. I shrug and shake my head some more. He keeps jabbing "HONK." I hold a fake conference with Spritz then shrug some more. He hits himself in the head with the sign. Wacky. Finding the next amusement is what makes life worth living.

OK, so after Kyle and I helped Brytne move some stuff out of her car, we all went to the new Baskin-Robbins on University because I am a whiny bitch in that capacity. We drive up to the little speaker thing, and the Indian man working there asks for our order. We're not exactly sure yet, so we tell him to give us a minute and roll up the window. In the middle of our deciding, we hear him mumbling to himself or something, so we decide it's probably best to just get on with it.

I want a double scoop of chocolate chip mint in a waffle cone.
He repeats this back, "hjsdfhjsdhfjk chocolate chip --"
Kyle says, "No - chocolate chip mint! In a waffle cone."
"bihkljwerrfrglk chocolate chip cone"
"Mint," I yell. "MINT! With an 'M'!!"
"cuemgonneccoek mint"
Kyle decides that he should hassle the man about not listing all 31 one flavors, casuing him to respond with a stream of incomprehensible mutterings.
"I can't understand what you're saying!"
So, Kyle orders his single scoop of very berry strawberry in a cup with pretty much no incident. Then, Brytne's order:
"A clown cone, please."
I could already sense dissention in the ranks. Now, I know what a clown cone is (an upside down ice cream cone with a premaid frosting face drawn on it), but I am not sure if this fella - the same one who seems to not be getting the concept of "mint" - can wrap his head around it.
"..."
Silence for a bit. I imagine frantic arguing, arms waving, the Baskin-Robbins corporation being telephoned. For about a minute. And then:
"Come to the window."
We pull around, and he looks sort of pissy, so we go through our order once again.
"Chocolate chip mint waffle cone, 2 scoops"
"dcjhwioerbnhoow chocolate chip"
"MINT chocolate chip! With mint!"
"OK, mint"
"Single scoop of very berry strawberry in a cup."
"Strawberry. Cup."
"Clown cone."
"...... What kind of ice cream you want on that?" [This betrays that he has no idea what a clown cone is and has merely been omitting the phrase from his memory whenever Kyle or I say it]
"Chocolate chip mint?"
"This is a clown cone, though, right?"
"What?"
"Clown cone."
"We don't have those."
So, Brytne doesn't want anything anymore, so Kyle changes his order to 2 scoops of very berry strawberry. But then she decides that she wants daquiri ice. One scoop of strawberry. They don't have daquiri ice. Two scoops. Brytne says she doesn't want any, I think. One scoop. Then two for some reason. I think we're all set by this point.
"So, we're ordering two things, all right?"
"Mint cone and strawberry cup."
"Right."
So, he goes to prepare the stuff and we giggle a little to ourselves. Just a bit of a hassle is all. He comes back with Kyle's cup and my cone. My cone of white ice cream. Mint chocolate chip is green.
"Are you sure that's mint?"
"Yes, is mint. 6.31"
While he goes to the register or whatever, I try my cone. Chocolate chip cookie dough. Oooooookay. Now, I would've been fine with that, but I guess I'm supposed to be assertive or something, so we raise the point again when he comes back.
"Um, I tried this, and it isn't mint."
"Is mint."
"No, this is cookie dough."
"No no no - chocolate chip, vanillia, dough - is mint"
"No, that's not mint. That's cookie dough. I wanted mint. The green one."
"asfsdgdfhjym The green one is mint!"
"Yes."
"gdfbermmyjzg They are both mint!"
"Uhhh... Well, I wanted the green one."
"What?"
"I wanted the green mint. Not the cookie dough."
He starts getting mad.
"What? Mint chocolate chip? No want dough? Just hungry! No knowledge!"
"Look, I'm sorry! I just wanted mint!"
"No sorry!" Kyle is continually thrusting the cone back at him until he finally grabs it.
"Mint! M-O-N-S! Mint! No knowledge!"
He finally brings me my mint chocolate chip cone (along with a good portion of his saliva, I assume). That was the most bizarre exchange I've ever experienced. Mons? What the hell is "mons?" OK, he obviously thought we were idiots and had he spelled out the word correctly, he'd at least have that on his side. But "mons?" I want to go back there every night and just give him more and more insane orders.