09/09/2003 - 1:31 a.m. | a sunday of exciting amazement

I accomplished so little today that it makes me sad to talk about it. Here goes anyway. Woke up at 11:30 or 12, wrote a diary entry forever and ever. Spritz came out to make macaroni and cheese with canned beef, which we ate out of the pot on the floor of my room. Greasy and disgusting, we eventually shifted to the couch where we sat and did nothing for about two hours. Scratch that � Spritz did do one very important thing. We were both drinking bottles of water, and when he finished his, he put the bottle up to his butt and farted in it. Quickly sealing the bottle, he then waited a few moments before spraying at himself. Ladies and gentleman, fart storage is a reality. We ran some tests last night, and they can be stored for at least 12 hours with no detriment to smell (possibly even concentration of smell, although findings are still sketchy). This changes everything. Imagine � tactical fart canisters available at all times. No more need to try and crank them out. Soon, all walls will be covered in shelves upon shelves of water bottles, each carefully labeled (�September 27, 2003 � Taco Bell for lunch�) and ready for action. God bless you, Ryan Spraetz.

Anyway, after that momentous discover (plus like another hour or so), we crawled to our respective rooms to try and do some homework. I am in the midst of a quandary, however. I like getting my ready done way ahead of time, but I also have 10 hours each week to more where I am forced to sit in one spot and do nothing. In other words, I should save my readings. Great � even more free time. So, upon reading only what was required for the next day (as well as receiving a bizarre phone call about cheese cubes from Shelly), I was pretty much done for the day. Time to get creative. Ummm� I added a few� mods to Roomba. He looks mildly retarded, but he�s pretty damn cute, which I think is how a robot vacuum should look.

That didn�t take very long (my skills with glue guns and pipe cleaners and unparalleled), so a good portion of my afternoon was focused upon what may well be the only game that can still run on my computer: Abraham Lincoln Land. OK, this is important, so pay attention. In the 30th century, the Neo-Nazis (Yes! Them!) have used time travel to bring Jefferson Davis back to the future to be the ultimate dictator or something. In desperation, the United States president uses his own time machine or whatever to get the aid of the one man who can solve this problem by running through 800 platformer levels: Abraham Fucking Lincoln. This is the most ridiculous Mario Bros. rip-off I have ever seen. Find Midget Lincoln�s coat and he grows tall! Find another and he can toss exploding blue balls (of democracy, I assume). Collect hundreds upon hundreds of CD-ROMs and pieces of poop. Play absolutely worthless bonus games! And let�s not forget the climactic battle with a purple laser shootin� Jefferson Davis! Seriously, if you want to kill like a hundred hours, download the demo for this shit here.

Spritz got inspired, so after showering, we drove to Schnucks to do some real live grocery shopping. It was actually sort of bizarre. We got fruit and vegetables and lunch meat! Like, actual food from nature! Blew my mind. And it�s so much cheaper than going out. Yes, I know. Everyone knows this. We�re just discovering, though. Since we had just spent $70 on food, I was able to talk Spritz into going to Wendy�s. The mutants were in full force, and I think they all hate each other. And I hated this one little shithead kid who tried to trick the cashier into giving him free fries. I wanted to throw my phone at his face so much.

Got home, ate Wendy�s, pineapple tidbits, and green peppers. On the floor again. We are sad people. Then I helped Kyle pick up his room a little while listening / downloading music. I lent him my electric pencil sharpener (he has black pencils � envy!), but it doesn�t work, I guess, so we whipped it off the roof. We learned how to mod lighters, which led to some awesome video hilarity. Trip to the gas station for a 64 oz. mug for Kyle and more lighters. Kyle and Brytne crashed and then Spritz and I sat around some more, first on the couch and later on the roof. Roof is the new hangout, I think. Or should be. This isn�t really going anywhere, so I�m just going to end it.