07/16/2003 - 2:15 p.m. | ain't it hard, ain't it hard to want somebody who doesn't want you?

It's best if I write an entry now before I sleep and forget everything my coke-addled brain thought up this morning because, as we all know (and I used to know), coke makes you forget stuff. Therefore, enjoy before I crash!

I went to bed at 10:45 last night. If I had slept straight through, that would've been a little over 6 hours. Not terrible. But, as is so often the case when I know I am going to be getting very little sleep and that I seriously need to make the most of my time, I had an awful, awful night's rest. One of those one's where I lied awake thinking about whatever and didn't seem to doze off at all. I'm pretty sure that I did because I'd lose forty-five minutes here or there, but it didn't feel like I had slept. No grogginess - just kind of flicker from moment to moment and struggle to get myself comfortable enough to doze off. I did come to some sort of revelation, though. I decided that if I really wanted to, I could probably act self-assured - and pull it off with reasonable success as well. It's just like any other sort of pretending; ignore my normal thoughts and go over them with some persona. I'm sure lots of people do this all the time, not wanting to be as honest ("whiny") as I am. But is it right for me? I think I could do it, but would it be right? Not sure. For one, it would throw off the triad. I mean, Spritz just oozes confidence (and raw sexuality), Kyle is mostly confident with flashes of paranoia, and I am paranoia with flashes of confidence. We sort of balance each other out. Shouldn't mess that up. Meanwhile, the time clicked by.

When I did manage to fall asleep, I had none too pleasant dreams. In one, I remember driving in the rain at night (lightning, thunder, whatever) and nearly hitting a deer that someone else had hit and was already upside down (legs up) on the road. The thing was, this deer seemed sort of sinister. Like it could be coming back from the dead at any time. Creepy. Later on, I dreamt that I showed Spritz the weird lump on my finger (him being the foremost expert on lumpiness), and he was like, "I know what that is!" And he grabbed my finger and bent this big, wrinkly fold of skin forward and underneath the lump was this big, swelling lump of pus. This scared the hell out of me, so I promptly woke up. I knew it was a dream, but they sometimes have grounds in reality, so I had to turn on the light and make sure my skin couldn't peel back. Phew.

Alarm was set for 5 am, but it turns out I didn't need it. At 4:45, I got a charlie horse which woke me with a flurry of swearwords. It was probably because of another bad dream because the last time I had one was during From Justin to Kelly, and that's about as nightmarish as things get. For being basically a member of the walking dead, I did fairly well showering myself in a timely fashion (woulda done better had someone not been a slowpoke!). Dad had wisely prepared some coffee, and we were out the door at 5:40.

I try not to depend too much on coffee because then I'll just be another one of those people who always talks about it and has stupid novelty coffee mugs with Garfield on them, and that's the last thing I want. And bad breath. Oh - and all the health stuff. But, anyway, it was a lifesaver today. Sure, I was unnaturally awake; I could feel the chemicals forcing my eyes open when they so desperately wanted to close, but it got the job done. I welded like a beast - and in somewhat better spirits than normal. And by the time the buzz ran out, I was back to running on Nate energy anyway. So, could be worse. I need to sleep soon.

Tim and I have a disconcerting habit of wearing the same color shirt most days. This needs to stop. No one was really impressed that I came in so early, but I suppose that might be because I don't talk to anyone. Snake King tried to do some bullshit where he flipped a nearly full rack around so that I had a whole empty side to full. OCD wouldn't have that, though, so I flipped it back around when he left. Something about keeping up appearances. I don't understand it entirely myself. Today's weird craving (besides the, uh, normal ones) was to smell lilacs. Orange hand cleaner is practically the same. At some point, I decided that the best way to destroy the factory would be to steal the welder somehow. It would deal a crippling blow I think they could never recover from. Anyway, I planned out the details as well as I could, but it would be a big job. Volunteers? I'm sure we could sell a $50,000 homemade welder on eBay.

Tom and I sort of reached homeostasis with our give and take of panels, and Travo was wrapping pallets, so it was a somewhat relaxing day. I started freestyling under my breath. I am not that bad for a beginner. A caucasian beginnger. At one point, the straightener and cutter just began spewing out wire all over the place, which I found pretty amusing. Amusing enough to let it go on longer than I should've - shhhh! Dad came by pretty early, but you know - "work ethic" - so we stayed for an extra couple hours. He got stuck making legs. I remember when I got all the shit jobs. Now I am invaluable. :| We left at 1:30, checked on the wagon (back in comission tonight or tomorrow!), and here I am. Think I will sleep now. Prediction: Econ will be boring. I AM PSYCHIC.