06/02/2003 - 9:29 p.m. | there's something rare going on under my skin

I dunno � I guess this could be rightly considered a bad day, but I�m not really in a bad mood anymore, so why waste time thinking of it that way?

Hours: 8 (10-6)
$$$: $79.40
CDs:
-�Recovering the Satellites� � Counting Crows
-�Room for Squares� � John Mayer
-�Barely Legal� � The Hives
-�Maladroit� � Weezer
-�Have You Fed the Fish?� � Badly Drawn Boy

So, in the peachy mood you may have read about this morning, I departed the house for old shit city again. Despite all the driving I did this weekend, I still really enjoyed the trip to work, possibly just because I wasn't working at a damn factory yet. Got there, and yeah � trouble. I didn�t exactly understand the specifics because Snake King is terrible at explaining things, but Harve (possibly in a bout of insomnia � that�s the part I didn�t understand) went to the place where the tomato pens I had made on the first day had gone in order to inspect them��. Yeah. So, I�m not sure how he did that, since they were all strapped together, but out of the 140 I did, about 6 of them weren�t up to snuff (as far as I can tell). About 4%, right? That�s not too bad, especially for the first day. Well, Harve seemed to disagree, to put it mildy. Actually, I don�t know his actual reaction because he won�t speak to me right now, but from the numerous understatements Snake King made about him being �put off,� I assume people were stabbed at some point. Now, listen � I was entirely ready to apologize. I mean, it was me who had made those 6 mistakes. But, it was my first freaking day trying that job. It was essentially Snake King going, �OK, here�s how to do it� for five minutes, then running off while yelling, �Do 160 of those by the time you leave because we�re shipping today!� Oh. I mean, he�d glance over at me, but to the casual observer, I�m sure I looked like I was doing fine. He never checked my work, and I didn�t know how exacting my standards were supposed to be. So, excuse me if I screwed up, but it wasn�t because I am stupid or insidious or something. If anything, I was just ignorant, and by the second day, I had pretty much solved that problem entirely. Ahem. Sorry. I had a series of such arguments lined up in case Harve actually had tried to yell at me. I dunno � with the right wording, do you think I would have sounded civil enough? Because I don�t want to piss anyone off; I just don�t like getting yelled at for things that aren�t completely my fault. And God help him if he made a U of I reference. I�m serious. Luckily, he was giving me the silent treatment (haha � big loss). Actually, I�ve pretty much established a trend of not talking to anyone ever anyway. The closest �friend� I have there is probably Snake King. Sad, really. One day I might even use his real name� Nah.

Anyway, the morning was spent learning to repair errors, which is a useful enough skill to know anyway, I guess� and I didn�t really get yelled at, so it was OK. I didn�t make much money in the morning, but because of the newfound fear that I am going to fuck up everything, I think they�re just gonna stick me on the welder all afternoon, which is good for me (monetarily). The time always seems to go by pretty quickly, as long as I don�t constantly check my watch. I was - I�m not gonna say lethargic because I wasn�t really slow or lazy� but I was sort of dreamy today. Kind of felt like I was floating through everything. Once I had gotten through psyching myself up to argue with Harve, whatever funk I was in settled down a bit, and I just drifted. There are plenty worse things. Not too much else today. Lunch was yummy, and it was raining when I walked out to my car. Ccccold! Leftovers for dinner, but pasta is pretty good, so who am I to complain? I guess that�s about it.

The issue underscoring all my emotions and junk is really rather silly. It would be rather quick (and not too painful) to find a solution, and I could finally let stupid optimism go for a while, but I am reluctant. For, although it would solve some internal problems, it would create a bunch more external problems more than likely. And so it remains.

Stupid always catchy Matchbox 20. "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell / I know right now you can't tell / But wait around and maybe then you'll see / A different side of me" I'm gonna make a list of crappy Wal-mart CDs I should buy. And then burn the list.