05/25/2003 - 3:10 a.m. | i am being purposely vague!!

Hedonism is lying on bed in the dark, listening to Blur and eating Mexican M&M's. Seriously, what more could I ask for? Well, could ask for and expect to attain. NOTHING.

Maybe more black t-shirts. It's high time I had a goth period. Plus, it's sort of hilarious when I act all loud and queer whilst dressing down. NO IT ISN'T Oh, you're right. Thank you, brain. WELCOME

Wow, 1 already? More on Starved Rock (NO NO PLEASE NO MORE)! One of the people dancing was named Rocko, and he thought he was hot shit because he took professional lessons and had moves, and his wife just kinda went along with him while he showed off for every damn song. Stupid Rocko. Moves are boring. Then again, there was this dude in a blue sweatshirt, and he was a total head dancer, so I guess things could've been worse. And one bald pony-tailed hippie guy did sort of an interpretive dance to "Centerfield" (not "Centerfold" >:O) Dancing is so much funnier than... yeah. Out of steam.

Steam regained at *checks watch* 3:05 am. Funny the positions I put myself in by not wanting to be an imposition. I mean, it's obvious that I am stuck in this... role fairly. I mean, I thought about doing something brave, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it should be obvious if I were supposed to. The signs would be clearer. Unless the other parties were just as afraid of being made fools as I am. But that's just wishful thinking. Go with my intuition. And even if that weren't true, I set myself up in a corner. It's like I wanted to make myself associated with this role. Stupid, Nate. Stupid. Self-destructive, some might say. It would be weird to suddenly leap out into a completely new position now, though. Or attempt to. And I guess that's what I might have been shooting for. Make it practically impossible to be daring. Um - I don't like my system of operating under long term stress; not that I have much. But when I do, it's silly how I sit on it until it finally pops and then, good or bad, I have to do something about it. I gotta get reasonable. I gotta get mind powers. I gotta get some sleep.