05/08/2003 - 3:58 a.m. | i know i do!!

Honestly, I don't know what it is with you people and paranoia. "Oh, it's not true..." Psh - it is fucking rooted in truth. I can prove it a hundred times over... not that this fact makes me particularly happy. I wish some of you others were right. But the signs all point to nope. And I'd like to thank you for thinking the best of me and being on my side, but it was obvious from the start that I couldn't succeed. Is this depressing? Yes, of course. But at least I acted like a hopeful dumbass along the way. I lack the... whatever. Something. Heck, I even lack knowledge of what I'm lacking. How silly is that? Quite. But I thank you for looking hard for me, and I'm sorry if I did let you down. I didn't mean to let my inadequacies get in the way. But I'm just pretty damn icky some of the time. I feel too numb right now to be really, really down (damn Ambesol), to feel like I should just cut myself off from everything like I tend to want to do, but that might be coming, so I apologize in advance. I'll of course try to stay out of your way while you do your thing. I should just shut up for now, shut off all thinking... because it tends to run in cycles (my thinking, I mean) and that's really no help to anyone. Big stupid circles that get no where at all. Something decisive would be good, but that usually requires a decision, and that's often on my part, and we all know how timid I am (very). But some surety might be good, even if it were bad (news). I wish I knew exactly what to do, but the only real thing I can consult is myself, and he's just as wishy washy as I am. Don't need any of this social lubricant! I'll wait so that my actions are surely my own :P Don't you just love crazy late night entries?

Finally, something decisive. I am going to sleep most of tomorrow away. It will rock. Take that, "Reading Day!" Or is that later on? Understanding is good.