12/23/2002 - 10:32 p.m. | mopey

When I get depressed, I become sort of self-destructive. Not like extremely so - I don't think about, like, cutting myself or anything - I just get all mopey and try to come up with little punishments for myself. Like saying, "I don't deserve any Christmas presents this year" or "I should just go lock myself up in my room and try not to see anyone." Blah blah blah. Obviously all cries for attention. I just don't like being an asshole, especially when I could have avoided it (which is, like, always). And I think about all the times I've been a jerk, and it makes me want to cry. And I could apologize - I really am sorry - but those are just about meaningless these days. And I could try to change, but that never fucking works. So I just whine in my stupid diary. I'm sorry. I'll cheer up soon, or at least get a little more manageable. I have to work tomorrow, which I guess could be atonement except I get paid for it.

I need to clip my fingernails.