03/07/2006 - 1:03 a.m. | much better now

Sunday morning at like 6, I was still quite fucked up and in between some truly startling thoughts*, I decided that truthliness was the only way I could live my life as a success. "It is so simple!" I decided. I'll just tell Missy I can't be with her because I don't love her as much as she does me. I'll tell Allison that though I once had a weird crush on her, it's never going to happen. I'll tell Hillary that though I don't know her very well, I'd like to try and get to because she is weirdly attractive and I am infatuated with her. It seemed like such a good plan! I could hardly wait to execute it the next day.

That next day having come and gone now, the truth is a lot harder than it seemed at the time. Step 1 of my whole grand scheme, the Missy thing. Yeah, that alone is tearing me to shreds. I know now pretty much for sure she isn't right for me - that things would never work out and that I would only end up dragging her through a mess, that we would both be so unhappy in the long run, me not enough in love, her not getting the love she so desperately needs - but there are still good things there, you know? Good things I don't want to lose. She is pretty, and she does like me, and we like a lot of the same stuff, and she is smart and caring and all that shit, and I'm worried that maybe I am somehow making a mistake, that time will pass, and I will miss and regret what I did with her like I do with Andrea these days.

I don't really like hurting people either, but the way I've gone about this is that I've hurt her so much already that this will just be the natural progression. Silent treatment five days, insanity, break up. Makes sense. It's happening tomorrow, I think, but that requires one more day without contact, and it is turning her apeshit. She has been talking to Smacko somewhat of late, but now, as an unintended result of my preparations, a shitstorm of crazy has been fired his way. I apologize about that one there, mate. It should all be over soon.

*These other revelations including first something weird about girls only wanting to have sex with guys bigger than them, with broad shoulders, all sort of crushing them, and I thought, "This will never, ever be me," and I think I am somehow upset by this. Every time I think of a giant man fucking some smaller girl, all him huge and grunting, it puts a knot in my stomach. I don't know what the hell is off with me. It seems so wrong. This got me down another path, though, thinking about shoulders and how they are really "should-ers," as in, they are the driving force between our lives, they lead us strongly into things we should be doing, like violating those tiny cute girls. God, I was fucked up.