01/27/2006 - 5:45 p.m. | the one I've been cultivating for years.

E-mail from professor on practice creative writing essay (a fairly modified version of the Crazy guy entry):

"dude, that smarmy voice gets annoying after one essay, i can't imagine i'll have to read it again. you see, it's entertaining, yes, but the fact is that you're aiming for entertainment value only, in which case, tell a joke, why write an essay. i actually like the homophobe better because at least he wasn't self-righteous, just an idiot. and it's easy to compete with one of them. you did. and i still don't like you (in the essay that is).

you're writing for a general audience, one that appreciates intelligence. this essay sounds as if you;re writing for your buddies--that's too specific. your topics are fine, it's just the voice that gets in the way. i want a narrator, not a performer. narrators let the story tell the story. performers sign and dance in front of the story, got me?

there IS a middle ground, and i believe you can achieve it by using the toilet humor and imagery sparingly. i guarantee you that only the simple folk will laugh at this and not see past the laughter. you should be intelligent, more sophisticated, but that doens't mean you can't employ humor. but cheap shots? come on. write me essays, not comedy. work with irony, not joke. work with complex emotion and imagery, not stock characters and locker room chatter."

Ooh, girl, this might be tougher than we thought! Most of what he says is true, but... That smarmy voice is the only one I've got!