12/24/2005 - 11:35 p.m. | i kicked my dog, i was mean to him before

I don't typically like blonde chicks... possibly because I think of them automatically as hot, and hot chicks don't like me, so I preemptively don't like them back. Problem is, it leaves me a little high and dry occasionally when I need something to fantasize about. I mean, don't get me wrong; brunettes make the world go round and all - they cover a berth and depth blondes could never hope to achieve - but once in a while, it just has to be a stupid boring tan skinny blonde with huge boobs, doesn't it? Problem is, I don't know anyone like that. I don't even know anyone who knows anyone like that. We are so far removed from Champaign people, where girls like that might exist, where I might see them and get one in my head, but no, no... I'm stuck poring through my memories, concurrently humping whatsherface and attempting to ignore the moans, trying to dig up some hot girl from like 9th grade gym class or whatever, and it's stupid. It's stupid. It is. So, long story short, we need to meet some hot blondes. Not to get to know them - definitely not to get to know them - but lord a man needs some beat-off fodder that isn't a god damn decade old, you know?

Merry Christmas, by the way.