08/11/2005 - 5:30 p.m. | lord, 100 times no!

August 10 - Ben Folds / Rufus Wainwright @ Rivinia
"I wouldn't want to jump to conclusions but I think he might be gay." - the former on the latter.

Last night was the Rufus Wainright / Ben Folds concert, and unfortunately, folks, it may have been about the most mediocre I have ever been to. Indeed, this was for several reasons, which I will now go into at great detail (No, Mom, it wasn�t because you and Dad were there either):

1) We were the far fuck away.
It was apparently as crowded of a show as any my parents had ever seen at the Ravinia. While we had managed to get seats in the amphitheater part (albeit about the worst possible seats at the very end of the very back row), even the lawn areas were just completely packed. I�m so used to general admission and worming my way to the front that seeing a tiny little lit-up outline of a man really wasn�t doing it for me. I�ve seen Ben close up before at least � I still have no idea what Rufus is actually like when he sings and dances around and shit. It reminded me of my old Dave Matthews concert days�

2) Everyone in the audience was a prick.
�but at least at those Dave Matthews concerts, everyone was having fun, stoned or drunk and dancing and singing along no matter how far away they were. This audience was a piece of shit. At first I thought it might have been that they were only there for Ben Folds and weren�t interested in Rufus Wainright, but no. Those fuckers didn�t dance or sing hardly at all. Maybe it was the chairs. It certainly didn't help that Rufus Wainwright is a semi-mellow artist and that this is Ben Folds' most boring album to date (I could barely be bothered to listen to it prior to the concert); we really got 'em roaring now! At an Old 97�s show, everyone is leaping around and yelling the songs and having a riot. This seemed more like a school recital type crowd. So quiet and sticks up their asses and all. And man! These fucking guys in front of us! They were all total nerd emo hipsters with the most ridiculous glasses I have ever seen, and both Kyle and I nonverbally agreed that they all needed to be punched in the face. They were all typing shit on their cell phones and glaring and just looking surly and hateful the whole time. And oh � in the interlude between Rufus and Ben, some song was on, and we were trying to guess what it was. I kept saying it was the theme from Dr. No because, lol, who could possibly prove that wrong? Apparently Andy Milonakis, who turned around and spat, �It�s from Jesus Christ Superstar!!� with an absolutely amazing amount of contempt. Oh, sorry there, chief. Up in the non-gremlin world, we don�t typically learn as much about musicals or religion. My bad. I was a hair away from responding with a punch to the kidneys.

3) Spontaneity was a flower to be crushed.
I�ve been spoiled by past performances, I admit it. I saw Ben Folds on his �and a piano� tour whenever ago, and that was just awesome. His charisma is such a huge part of the show. He made up songs, played random shit, told stories about whatever, and it was great. Even at the Vic a while earlier, he did the same sort of thing. In fact, I was actually there for the invention of �Rock This Bitch,� so you can put that down in your little record books, OK? The Ravinia, however, is smack in the middle of some bitchy suburbs, so when they have to be done at 11, they mean it. There is no time for fucking around with them. On the plus side, it meant the bands actually started when they sad they would, but there were no encores, no dilly-dallying, no time for screwing around. Each artist played a cadre of well-known songs with the occasional spoken introduction, and that was about it. Ben did do his Dr. Dre cover of �Bitches Ain�t Shit,� and he got the crowd going with backup on �Not the Same,� but it really wasn�t. It all seemed so dry and rehearsed that it wasn�t much fun at all. Sucks, huh?

It was still an OK evening overall. We ate a good picnic on the lawn with artichoke sangwiches and guacamole, and I bought a girlie pink �Gay Messiah is coming� t-shirt, and Kyle was there to keep things going good. Oh, Kyle, I do envy thy high charisma score. He always has something to say, and everybody usually likes it. I�m more of a tough nut to crack, I guess. But we work well together, though, right? Missy was in maybe not the best move, possibly because again the subject of me moving to Cleveland was broached, possibly because I really don�t acting like I like anybody when in public. I know, I�m such a fuck up.

We drove home and talked, and then I passed out, and Kyle and Missy talked for another five hours after that. They were still up past 6 to say goodbye to my dad. Nobody was awake, however, at 9 o�clock when we probably should have gotten up. Instead, Mom came down at like 10:30, saying it was storming and she�d lost track of time. So much for a leisurely breakfast and haircut before driving down for work. Now I�d never make it back in time, and that sort of thing just pisses me the hell off, so I decided to abandon a few more hours after that and go into work at 3. I did the bare minimum I could to drag things out to tomorrow, and now I�m back here with a passed out naked sweaty Missy. More work tonight, tomorrow, and that night, too. God bless this wretched life. I really would not mind being fired from this Housing Authority job, but God, guys, it�s a government place. Plus, they gave me two whole days of computer training. I�ll be there until the end of time. And Lord knows I�ll never quit! Any job ever. I think I have the same problems with jobs I do with girls. I never want to part with anything that actually accepts me, so I just try to keep lowering myself so that they no longer will. Yay for healthy attitudes towards career and relationship!