07/24/2005 - 12:12 p.m. | acronyms are not cool 2

Normally this would be where I expound on how insanely far behind I am on entries, but the problem is that I have been in such a disarray that I am not even entirely sure. This diary is filled with three or four partial entries, little nonsensical half-notes scrawled at the bottom and no real notion of how they are to organized. But, rest assured, the information is still all upstairs, and now I just have to do my best to ponder through it.

For like three radio listening sessions straight, I kept coming up with �One is the Loneliest Number� while scanning. Is that some sort of hint there, fate?

What is my fatal flaw? I will tell you! If any girl pays any amount of attention to me, I will automatically assume that they want a piece. Additionally, I will start rounding up their own attributes to such a point that I will eventually find myself interested in them as well. Let me give you an example: I was working at the cookie place on Father�s Day and some physics chick came in, and while it normally is the fat friend who tries to make conversation (and there was a fat friend there, believe me), the pretty one made a go at it this time around. Therefore, she must want to be broken off in and therefore she started to seem very hot. She was cute and skinny and raven-haired, and that�s about all I need these days. I even mustered what might be construed by some as a �flirt.� Stay away, all girls! Oh wait, you already do!

I think you should listen to that song �Girlfight� wherein Lil John roars �Girlfiiight!� every now and again, and the chick goes something along the lines of, �I don�t fight / I don�t argue / I just hit that bitch with a bottle.� Lil John knows exactly what we studly male types are looking for!

I went home for a couple days for a belated Father�s Day. I even bought my dad a present � a satellite radio system � but that generous point was more or less rendered moot by the fact that he spent like $800 on me. Besides a rather large stipend to keep myself afloat until jobs could be found, there was also the matter of the brakes on my car, which had been squealing and roaring alternately ever since I got back from Kansas. Did I already mention this? Yes. Well, anyway, that was another $500 or something there, and I feel so guilty because I�m just sort of down here like a bum, and he has this job he does not like very much at all, and I am taking all of his money.

We went out for a nice dinner my first night there, and I had the first glass of wine in a long time that didn�t make me want to blow chunks all over a wall, projectile-style. While my mom finished up some work so that all three of us could have a day off, Dad and I got Tropical Sno and observed same of the natives. Glad to see you didn�t sell out and go all classy on us, Ottawa.

That night I stayed up and watched some HBO documentary about a brothel in Las Vegas. They gave lessons to inept men about orgasms and whatnot, and everyone there was ugly and creepy. That is the kind of documentary I would like to make, specifically in some sort of whorehouse watching people at their most disturbing. Perhaps that is why I am so interested in the local strip clubs.

Maybe because my room wasn�t 900 degrees, but I could not get comfortable at all that first night. My bed seemed so� itchy or something that I could not stop rolling about and tossing blankets and pillows all willy-nilly. All told, I got like half an hour of sleep� and that was only when I built some sort of primitive nest on the floor to hide in. On the plus side, I was up at 6:30 - early enough to watch Alex & Emma, the Most Forgettable Romantic Comedy of All Time.

When we stopped in town to get money, there was a man whose pants were so far down that it was less of an asscrack hanging out and more of just his whole fucking butt. How does one not notice that? And worse, was he that equally exposed from the front?

We went up to Fox Valley for the day � Dad had a job interview, and since all my jeans were trashed, we were looking around for new ones that might fit (Kyle called while we were eating Mexican because he apparently missed me at �Star Trek� time � Awww). I did find a pair that finally fit � unfortunately they were clearance girls� jeans� And he shucks away his last vestiges of heterosexuality! They are so fucking tight that I think they are giving me back problems (yay male corset), but it�s worth it to look this damn good. Dad�s interview took forever, so Mom and I slowly roamed the world in the heat. I don�t know how we ended up at White Castle, but I do know that Kyle would kill me if he knew I was there and only got a soda, so hush-hush, all right? Some other things happened, I�m sure, but I was so exhausted by then that I was basically scrolling through life, chucking at nonsense time and again. Pardon me, I don�t think I can listen to Shelly spoon dry cereal any longer without growing murderous. Let�s retire upstairs.

Uh, I came home on Wednesday for work. My brakes are amazingly functional now, and it kind of made me laugh the insane commuting process we had to get the car, culminating in me driving, completely zonked out, at 6:45 am. There was pleasure to be had, for even though I had not received the food job, I�d finally gotten a callback from somebody. Turns out it was one of the two people I haphazardly tried faxing things to, so good work on that (Side note: It also turned out I got another call back from another similar position, but it was so buried in voicemails from Missy that I had no idea about it until today).

Work was excellent� if not for entirely legal reasons. OK, this is kind of strange. Last Friday when I was delivering, I kicked a cat. OK, that is not entirely relevant to the story, but it did really happen. I was walking in the dark to somebody�s porch and all of a sudden BAM I kicked something solid and living. MRRWAYEOW! Ooops, sorry, buddy. The stoners I delivered to thought I was hitting the bong myself, as I couldn�t stop laughing about it. Anyway, so I had this delivery at 808 Indiana, and the guy is clearly stoned. So I�m like, �Your total is 8.08,� and he starts freaking out, �That�s my address, man!� Anyway, the next night we were at Geo�s, and Kyle had invited his friend from Spanish, Edmund, and I happened to overhear that he lived somewhere on Indiana. Feeling some sort of hunch, I asked where on Indiana. 808. Weird!! I know, I shouldn�t let coincidences blow my mind so easily. Anyway, Edmund makes another order the next time I�m working, and now I�m convinced he�s the coolest guy ever. I get there, and he�s all on the porch smiling, and he goes, �Your money is in the bathroom.� So that�s a little strange, I think, but I go in there, and there is a ten sitting on the toilet next to a big butcher�s knife all covered in ketchup. So I turn around, all mock surprised, and he goes, �You wanna smoke?� Well, clearly I do! So we sit and smoke a bowl, and though I am still pretty immune, when I get back to work, I play Mario Kart with Sid, and I am just sucking balls. Like, for whatever reason, I�m really bad at video games around this guy to begin with, but now it takes on epic levels, and I think it is the funniest damn thing in the world. So there�s that, leading us to��..

Job interview. So I�d be at the housing authority (strange that my mom works there, the namedropper says), and I guess the poor people they give homes to need to have them inspected every so often, and it will be job to schedule and reschedule these things and hassle them about it and so on and so forth. I was the first of four applicants, but I thought I did a good job, and I guess I did because I got the position! I dunno, Kyle was reading something on the Something Awful forums about how to act on interviews, and it�s really weird because I knew all that stuff innately. Like, even the bullshit questions like, �What is your biggest weakness?� I had a good answer for. Well, everything is spot on� except I have to take some sort of a drug test� soon (I don�t know when exactly� I start tomorrow, but they probably don�t give it in office� or do they? I have no idea), and even though I smoke for purely social reasons (Honestly, could I really have said to Edmund, �Sorry, man, I have a job interview blah blah blah), I really can�t afford to not get this job. So� what to do what to do? I haven�t slept well since, so I just keep staying up �til 6 and messing with my head.

Friday was an entry I started on, so I�ll go there now.