03/27/2005 - 11:57 p.m. | since U been gone

R.I.P. Leornard the Mallard
You noble motherfucker!

You heard right, folks. Poor Leonard is gone! At least he lived a good week school week. I'm so sad.

Dedication: Ted Leo - "Since U Been Gone" (Kelly Clarkson cover with the bridge from "Maps") Like the rest of Artfaggia, I can't not be completely in love with this song. Go google it; all the blogs are shitting themselves. I am happy to note that there is still order in the universe, however, and that Lisa Yung sent me the song about a month before anyone else had heard of it. Suck on it.

The night before he seemed OK, all happy and such, but when Missy and I looked in on him the next day, he was all twisted up in the craziest position. While we tried to fool ourselves into thinking he was just sleepy, we knew something was wrong. He seemed sort of ... dried out, like he was only part of his normal self, and he didn't really cheep at all, and he kept contorting himself into strange positions, like he couldn't control his limbs and his head was almost twisted around 360. And then he started shaking violently. I ran in here to look up what might be wrong with him while Missy tried to pet him and make him feel warm and loved.

More than likely he had botulism, a result of eating his own poop time and again (admittedly one of his less charming habits). I really don't know what I could have done about that, though, because he pooped so often that no one could ever have kept up with it. NOT EVEN HERACLES HIMSELF.

The site said that he had to drink lots of water to try and get the nasties out of his system, but he couldn't move his beak on his own (and dunking his head didn't help), so we had to try and force water down his throat. Missy pried his bill open and I used a straw to drop water in, but I guess it was too late. :( Maybe we shouldn't have even tried. He seemed so unhappy that we were fucking with him; maybe we should have just given him hugs and told him how much we loved him.

I know, I know, baby ducks are all sorts of fragile, and lots of them die all the time (especially around this time of year), but I still felt so bad! I wasn't going to be one of those awful Easter people! All buying a baby duck 'cause it's cute and then putting it out alone in the wild when it got annoying. I really tried to take good care of him! I read all about ducks and tried to do all of the things they said. Even Missy said she was surprised how seriously I took him, but God. He's a duck, man! They manage to make it out there in nature, with wolverines and whatnot, and I can't even get him to survive a week in a nice warm home. I feel like I failed him. All I had to do was get him through a month, all the sites I read said, and he'd be pretty much bulletproof from there on out (I liked their specific use of that phrase). Then he could have followed me through the house and got drunk with Smacko sometimes and whatever else.

This is why I don't like pets.

I'm gonna miss you, buddy!!