03/24/2005 - 1:25 p.m. | they crawl around behind like all the rats around that tunnel light

Now, you know I'd just as soon avoid doing back-to-back emo entries, and I have all sorts of tales of hilarity from Rolla sorted out in my head, ready to be set down as soon as I have the time, but Missy's here, and she more or less limits my writing time to whenever I can convince her to run, and that usually entails convincing her she is fat, and we all know how healthy that is for a girl like her. But anyway, I've bought myself half an hour, so we'll use it for the most pressing issues.

First the good news: I have a baby duck now. He is called Leonard, and I love him terribly. Spritz was going to eat him at first, I think, because he cheeped so often, but then I built him a sweet pad with a lightbulb in it, so now he is all warm and happy. He likes listening to 107.1, looking at himself in the mirror confusedly, and playing with his bizarre stuffed platypus friend Antoine. I built him an annex to his pad so that he can sleep in darkness, but he leapt out the window and tore it up (figuratively). His poops comes in a wide variety of shapes and colors. Mostly he likes to go on Kyle's sheets. I tried to take a picture of him on my head, and he fell to the floor, so he is a little gimp now. He still loves me, though, hopefully because he thinks I am his mom. When he gets older, I want to take him out on walks (by which I mean flights, where he'll go crazy flapping in the air as I struggle to hold onto his leash). I will not be associating him with AFLAC, as that is clearly too obvious.

Then the bad news: I had a bit of a snap last night and finally revealed to Missy all the crazy that has been stewing below (and that you guys have known about for ages), namely that I really do like this girl a shit ton but also that I cannot commit myself to a relationship 100%. I did the same thing with Andrea. I liked her, but I was always looking around the corner for something better. Not that I ever go through with anything specifically, but I can't let myself settle and so I'm never really all there, and they can sense it. And so it came down to a choice of sorts, and this was not a happy time, believe, because I really do not know what is the right answer. I feel like I would be happier alone, but I also think that I really do not feel this at all and that someone as great as Missy should not be thrown away in the process. I do not want her hurt. She is everything I could ever want in a theoretical girl: She's far too pretty for my ass, with her blue eyes and dark hair, and somehow she still is attracted to me, and she has good taste in stuff, and she's smart, and cares about things without being too much of a psycho, and puts up with my insane bullshit, and anyone would be lucky to find someone like that? Why would I mess with that? If, in the long run, I can actually get myself to commit to this"natural process" (I'm told) of settling down, I think I'll be happier, but I don't know if I'm scared or what. For now, I've decided to keep making a go at things in the hopes that I'll get better, but my mind remains as antsy as always. Does anyone have any ideas? Do I need to see a shrink?

Well, happier times ahead. Here's hopin'.