02/22/2005 - 4:34 p.m. | He Gets With Ladies But In The End They Do Not Like Him!

There has been Intention to write diary entry. All new amusing anecdotes. All hell of crazy complaints about bitches. All less than four paragraphs describing how often I think of sinning. The hour APPROACHETH, I swear.

Until then. Some notes I left myself:

"Last cohesive thought of the evening: Man, if I shaved all my hair off and put on that girls' underwear, I could totally pass for a lady on the internet. Just gotta shoot from the neck down."

Why did I think this?

One kid I cross the guard for says to me every morning, "Thank you for holding up the sign." Is he demeaing my position? That little shit!

"man you gotta realize that Goths reject the normal ideas of society and success Their dream job is to like drift around the Paris sewers in a swishy cape while weeping"

I miss Hot Topic so much it hurts sometimes.

get my slant on = to drink, not to make love. Still, I will not be using it regularly.

The redheaded ultras-spaz I cross the guard for spoke to me for the first time today. He wished me a good day. If that isn't cause to believe in superstition, I don't know what is. How am I supposed to think anything good will be happening at all now ever?

Today is the mayorial election. I will be surely voting for Laurel Prussing. I don't know about you, but I've always dreamt of being ruled by a homosexual British man. With some sort of olde-fashioned sounding disease. "Laurel Prussing has of most late the most grievious fits of Consumption!" Link here.

Spritz bought a lavendar t-shirt that read "P is for Playa." His soul grinds to a halt.

Other questions: Why are Indian girls tragically attracted to me? It is so bad! It keeps happening! Man, and I had a dream last night that everyone thought I was ugly, so I did like 10 ecstacy tabs. Then research on ninjas and helium balloons while sleeping in a minivan. What, subconscious?

Sadly, King Facebook e-mailed me the other night to tell me that the group I created "Redheads Are Mutants & Probably Should Be Destroyed" was "hateful" or something and was subsequently taken down. If I were to engage in any more sinful activity, a lifetime ban would be imminent. 1) Perhaps inviting all those redheads was a misstep. 2) It really wasn't a hateful group. I mean, I said they were mutants (which is true) and that they should probably be destroyed. Not definitely! I even invited them so they could justify their existence! And when I said "destroyed," I even clarified that it didn't have to mean death or anything. Destruction could simply mean hair dye, a tan, and years and years of painful cosmentic surgery (to remove the gaping maw of a mouth, the claw hands, the huge thighs, etc.) Of course, if it was like The Santa Clause where Tim Allen kept shaving and dyeing his hair, but then suddenly he'd be fat and Santa again, then I guess they would have to all be buried in a traincar in the desert. But it wouldn't come to that, certainly! Anyway, I've been getting e-mails from former group members who are all sad. I've touched lives!!

TO DO LIST

Lavigne, Avril
1-613-532-4092

Thanks, Paris Hilton's Sidekick! [You hear about this? Apparently some dude's hacked the gibson on Paris Hilton's cellphone thingy and released all her phone numbers, pictures, to do lists, and messages to the internet. I could seriously do without her God damn stupid naked pictures with the same pose she does in every God damned picture - tilted-head, smarmy grin, coked-up eyes - but I'm still glad there are people out there dedicated to actively ruining her life. God bless!]

Why is important for me to always update my diary: While I do not reside in The Matrix, there is still the fact that my brain + this diary makes me the most perfect catalogue of biographical information in existence. Bob Costas' got nothin' on me. For instance, I was meeting up with my advertising group (Yay! Justine!), there was one girl who seemed vaguely familiar. I thought it might have just been that she was Rosalind Yang-ish (mostly her smile, which is incredibly toothy to the point where it might seem she is baring them angrily but hopefully not), but then she said she was in JLit with me. Quickly, my brain scanned its mental and physical archives and recalled her as the "almost pretty red-haired Steph Yeh lookalike" who often said stupid things in class. Excellent.