01/25/2005 - 2:24 a.m. | i'm wishin' you could keep up with me

There's still a serious battle for territory in my brain between the crazy and the, uh, not. I mean, things are going about as well as can be expected, I'm reasonably happy and all, but the crazy still has its ebb and flow, and my self-esteem is still somewhere in the shitter beneath it all. I just cannot see myself as an essentially good person. And probably some of you can't either, and that's to be expected. These glimpses into how I think are pretty unfiltered and awful when I go back and read them, but still. If you don't like yourself at the very least, it can lead to all sorts of bad things. Like, I still don't really feel as though I deserve to be happy, so I start fucking with things, not quite intentionally, trying to screw myself over just bad enough. I feel like I need to suffer to a point, like I'll only really feel right when I feel bad enough, when I'm alone and people are mad at me or dislike me a great deal. That I got what I deserve. And while I am aware that this will not, in fact, make me feel good, that I have tried this before and am always worse off that way, I still have those sort of destructive urges, and nothing has come along and convinced me otherwise yet. And I dunno, isn't it really awful to put friends and loved ones through the paces to try and shake them off me (or rather, to see if they'll hold on)? Seems that way to me.

I've had the difficult task of trying to explain this to Missy, to stupid perfect Missy, how fucked up my view on some things are. It's no secret that I've kind of been avoiding relationships since Lisa, that I will attract someone (as if to prove I can) and then let them drift away when I get tired of them. But I thought Missy would be a good way to get back into the swing of things because 1) I genuinely do love her and think she's about the best person ever and 2) she lives far away. Heh - how awful is that? People ask me if it's hard having a girlfriend in Kansas, eight hours away, if it's trying. I'm not sure I could be in a relationship at all if she were any closer, though. I like the distance, and I like my freedom, my own time and space, and yet somehow I'm still greedy. I try to think as though I'm not actually in a relationship and am sometimes easily frustrated, as if talking on the phone an hour or two every night is such a huge hassle or that five days uninterrupted with her is just too much time with one person. Do you think I like feeling this way? 'cause I don't. I wish I had normal reactions to things, that I didn't feel so stifled even when I'm not, because she is such a great girl and for some reason she likes me so much, and all I should be doing is thanking my lucky stars, not looking for ways to mess it up. It doesn't even seem fair to her, that she should be so caring and thoughtful and forgiving even as I am this huge asshole. The problem with most attractive people is that they are all too aware of their attractiveness and don't feel the slightest need to be humble. So here's this gorgeous girl (with the amazing ability to look just as good in the morning as she does at night), and she doesn't even realize it. And she's so down to earth, self-deprecating even (and part of the reason why I say all good people have a little crazy in them), and I am zit-laced asshat, and I make her upset and sad and worried, and it's just not fucking fair to her. Because I'm just screwing around to maybe try and be left alone - maybe to point out how much I don't want to be left alone, in fact, but I have no idea.

I know that underneath all my little defensive things, that I am a good person, that I do care about other people and their feelings. Shelly drunkenly told me last night that I was her #2 best friend, and even as a drunken sentiment, it made me so ecstatically happy. You're right up there yourself, kiddo. If I'm so inclined, I can make friends with the greatest of ease, make people love me for no real reason at all, but somehow that isn't good enough. I have to have them loving me through my insane mechanisms, loving me even though I say mean things, act avoidant and weird, write terrible things about them in my diary because, yes, I do believe in karma, and I sort of can't wait for these things to come around and bite me in the ass like I feel they should. I really wish I could get back to the place I was once at, doing the things I did (or rather not doing the things I intentionally don't do now), but I don't know how to shake it all off. What's wrong exactly that I can fix? What fears do I need to face or whatever?

I'm sorry if this isn't a verbal masterpiece. When I was composing this earlier in my head today, it sounded a lot better, but it's all sort of down the crapper. I can't get the words out right, and I really wish I could, because this is such an important entry for me. What do I do?