01/19/2005 - 10:00 a.m. | this is about when shit goes pear-shaped

Mentally, I'm totally pumped up about school starting, about finally having something to do, finally getting back on track! Finding jobs, learning things, seeing people, God, whatever! Physically, however, I do feel a bit faint. I'm sort of exhausted all the time and I get a lot of headaches and keep feeling nauseous. My vast medical knowledge tells me it is sunstroke, but then, that doesn't make a lot of sense in the arctic tundra, does it? Other theories offered up are as follows: 1) The Hello Kitty! water cooler Missy got me is lead-lined (and adorable!) 2) The fact that I am no longer allowed my three hour nap every day is making me cranky. You take your pick.

Job hunt is still.... progressing. It looks like I'll probably get the telemarketing thing, but I have another interview tonight. One wonders how often my mettle must be tested before I am allowed to bug people on the telephone. The manic girl I talked to screamed about establishing a rapport (Gotta keep using it so as to remember not to spell it like "repore") with the alumni, chit-chatting with them, creating a relationship. Then she added, "And the whole thing is scripted on computer! Flat-screen!" I feel so dirty. But God damn, I'm poor and am willing to sell far more than my soul at this point. Other fun job opportunities include teaching little kids about nature (hahahaha) and working in the Entomology dept. with Larry Hanks - Tom Hank's brother! Of course, he doesn't know that I know he is, but I do, and I will looooooord it over him so hard! I will make stupid references to his brother's body of work until he is physically choking me and slamming my head into a case of roaches. "Houston, we have a problem! Catch me if you can! In... Philadelphia!" See, now you want to hurt me, too!

Classes are on the whole boring, at best dry. Reach for the sky, fellows! I really wish I had a Gameboy like Kyle does so as to be there but, you know, not be there, but, as always, everything keeps trickling back to money. I got another couple of checks from crossing the guard, thus allowing me to eke out my existence for another four days. Honestly, it isn't too hard to survive. If I can avoid getting absolutely sick of Panera (I have over $60 in gift cards) and can keep choking down the ramen, there's no problem making it from day to day. But, that's not really the type of person I am. Yes, I can be cheap, but I am also a terrible, terrible packrat whose love of... things! and gimmicks! cancels out any savings made in my attempts to turn off the lights and eat generic cereal. I want cute colored hoodies (which probably means girl ones) to wear underneath my coat. I want a crappy laptop to work on diary entries in class. I mean take notes. But, as it is, I can't even justify the purchase of the Campbells Chunky vegetable beef stew I have been jonesing for so, so bad for so, so long. I can, however, buy new black hair dye entirely without remorse, for vanity will always trump all other needs. My roots were showing, God damn it! But how long will this last, I wonder. How long before the supple branch that is my self-control finally snaps and I run around in a spiral of debt, cackling madly as I buy yet another cartful of Grapples?

My New Year's resolutions always come a little late. This newest one came this weekend when my parents were trying to take pictures of me and Missy. I thought about saying (but thankfully won the inner struggle to avoid doing so), "Try and keep some distance between us, Miss, just in case in any of these turn out good, and I have to lop you out down the road." What an awful, awful person am I! I mean, I don't mean these things, but my brain has been stuck in this mode forever where it thinks of the worst possible thing to say in every instance and then tries everything it can to actually get me to say it. Just to see what happens! So, I decided that I need to do some rewiring. Instead of automatically thinking the worst of every person I see, I will consciously point out something positive in my head which, even if I don't voice it, will make me a better person. Things have not been going well. If anything, it leads me to mock people even more. I used to just make fun of the people that stood out as unusual, the redheads and the fatties and the idiots, whatever. Now, however, in my efforts to find something nice about everyone, I'm noticing more people than ever, and my first inclination is still to give them shit. Like, there'll be a guy walking by, just a really normal, boring guy I'd never notice, but now I do, and I try to think of something nice ("Errr... nice cigarette?") and then I lapse and go, "Aw, fuck, what a pud. He doesn't even try and stand out." And pretty soon every guy is a pud. I am soon awash in this until I regain composure and force myself to say nice things, any nice thing, about the people I see. Still it doesn't work. A crowd of people got on the bus (Now, there's a carnival of freaks!), and I mentally begin ticking them off one by one. "OK, I like the colors on your hat, your glasses are sort of cute, I'm glad that you're smiling, the acne really highlights your cheekbonesFUCK!" Clearly, this will take some doing.

We watched Million Dollar Baby the other night. Here is a quote from Roger Ebert: "'Million Dollar Baby' is the kind of movie where people look you in the eye and tell you to see it, and their voices have a curious intensity." He is dead-on here. It's such a simple story that you feel like you even know already, but it's so good, and the characters, even as the archetypes they obviously were, got you so involved. Clint Eastwood and Morgan Freeman as old men who bicker just for fun, and a happy little kickass girl boxer. I dunno - it was just... good. And not good because it told things in a crazy way or even made you think real hard. Just good. So there. Reviewed.

Meanwhile......

HERE is an important question for you: Can a relationship founded entirely on tickling survive long? Or be worth anything at all? We'll shall soon see.