11/15/2004 - 11:32 p.m. | moving in inches

Today's title could describe, among other things, the bizarro method I used to get Shelly's car out of her spot today. I don't know what events transpired to make it so, but this morning when I came out, there was about six inches of free space on either side of the car before I hit either Kyle or the wall. So I took to getting myself out, and I swear to God, it made no sense to logical Nate. I kept yelling at myself as I made what seemed like completely nonsensical moves. "You're just boxing yourself in even worse!" It all seemed so counterintuitive, but it would seem my instinct knows better because I managed to completely flip the nose of the car around ninety degrees and get the hell out of dodge.

Of course, this did nothing to impress bitch ho at the grade school who was all pissed at me. The two minutes between the normally acceptable time I come and when I came today are very, very crucial. Soul-crushingly crucial. And I don't mean to be too flippant; I don't like being late any more than the next guy. But maybe if she knew what else was going on behind my face, she might have left me alone a little.

See, sometimes I start to get overwhelmed with stupid little things, and suddenly I am awash in them, and it makes me feel fairly awful. I am sort of in the midst of this right now, and while it is not as bad as it has been on more recent occasions, I am still what you might call a little vulnerable. During these times, pretty much anyone's disapproval strikes a critical blow. So I try to stay focused and avoid the stuff that makes me feel bad or makes others feel bad about me, but sometimes it seems like I am woefully inept at it.

Cognitive dissonance is one of the main tenets in explaining human behavior. More or less, it's just a fancy phrase that means some things (things you do or think or whatever)make you feel anxious, like you think of things one way but do them another and that difference freaks you out. To alleviate this anxiety, you either change the way you think about the thing or you change the way you do the thing. Let me give you an example: On Facebook (the little online sort of hotornot dealie for universities), I had "in a relationship" listed in my profile. Then the other day, I looked at that - "in a relationship" - and it scared the hell out of me. Now, the thing with cognitive dissonance is that usually one way out is easier (and often stupider) than the other. Therefore, rather than face head-on what issues I have with being in a real relationship (Sorry, Andrea!! You are very nice and cute and all, but I never saw it going anywhere further than dating!), I simply changed my profile to read "single." Obviously, this changes pretty much nothing - I am not going to go out and start being a manslut or any such shit - Hell, I feel guilty even noticing other girls, all right? - but it made me feel momentarily better (illogically), so it was OK. Of course, nothing ever works out so well, though, because one of Missy's friends is listed as one of my friends on facebook, and so she somehow notices the change, and suddenly I am awash in disapproval again. Could I even explain this adequately? Doubtful. It hardly makes sense to me, even with the convenient terms I try to use. So, ignoring the duality in my brain (a: "Nosy fuck!" b: "What a good friend!" and sending the response message, "COULD YOU EVEN IMAGINE THE INTENSE PSYCHOLOGICAL SUFFERING BEHIND THE MOST SUPERFICIAL ALTERATIONS YOU COULD NOT EVEN BEGIN TO GUESS"), I set about taking the longer, harder road, and guess what? It is both long and hard. I've been doing so many superficial things to avoid the things I'm scared of: Trying to think of myself as not "really" in a relationship, trying to think about other girls, trying to think about anything else really. And it's gotta come to an end.

I was really depressed for the first time in a long, long time last night. And even then it was more tolerable, more within my grasp than these things used to be. I'm sort of starting to think of my meds less as a cure-all and more like Viagra for my mind. It preps my brain by taking down any negative chemical barriers, but there still has to be positive stimulation, right?

Well, anyway, I'm scared. And not in the way that everyone thinks either. They think it's the Kansas thing, that I can't handle the distance ("the space between," loser Dave Matthews fans would say to me), that I have this secret desire to live a double life, being a total cad to Missy whenever she is not here. This is not my intention at all. The Kansas thing seems like the least of my worries. I mean, it would be nice if we were closer all the time, but the point is that she's worth any little troubles no question. I love the girl, damn it, and the fact that she's one of the most caring people I've ever met only hammers in the point that I was so, so lucky to meet her and (Jesus Christ) somehow trick her into liking me. But enough mushy stuff - I know I care about her, but that fact scares the absolute shit out of me, to the point where I start worrying about whether I should be in a relationship where someone cares about me so much. I know, it doesn't make any sense really - I should just thank my lucky stars and be the best god damn boyfriend I could ever possibly be. But I don't know if we've been over this? I'm entirely terrified of caring for someone. What a stupid, stupid thing, I know, but underneath everything are all these huge worries about things going wrong, mostly me fucking up or her getting tired of me, and suddenly I am alone and so, so broken again. And I seem to desperately want to protect myself against that. More than anything else. And see, I can't even really explain this to her, because I've tried, and then she gets all worried, like, "Well, if it would make you happier not to be with me..." It won't make me any happier, I know it! Ask anyone! I suck when I'm alone! Read old entries, for Christ's sake! I don't want to make you sad or worry, Mis, and I do want to open myself up more completely and stop worrying about things I have so little control over, but it's no easy process. Part of the whole getting over the anxiety thing was telling myself over and over again that they were just feelings and that they were always wrong and that they couldn't be trusted. So now I don't believe any of them. Or rather, I don't when I think about them.

See? This is confusing. Let me try something else. OK, when I think about my feelings, all I do is question and worry and yell at myself and whatever else. "These have to be wrong blah blah blah." And yet, underneath it all, there's that same sense of instinct that got me out of the driveway this morning. The same sense of instinct that set my alarm clock to 2 hour intervals last night because I did not want to deal with the dreams I would be having (I didn't understand this one at all at the time). And the very same that had me actively pursuing this girl even if I am absolutely terrified of her. I hope I get better, is all, and I hope I stop fucking up and making people look down on me.

I'm going to work on my entry about the weekend in a moment, try and get my mind off the bad stuff and onto the good. I really can control these things, I promise. All that remains is the unusual amount of effort.