10/03/2004 - 4:32 a.m. | wash it all off away

I guess the source of the problem is... well, what? It's just that whenever I get this way, and I enter the land of moral ambiguities, I don't care anymore. I start thinking about my mortality and about how very, very few things truly do matter besides good experiences and trying to reach them. So I can see why good people would "go bad" as the phrase goes. Why someone supposedly "in love" with someone else would cheat blah blah blah because in the end, we're all alone, so we might as well experience what we can. Part of me feels that and really wants to, I dunno, talk Allison Helm into making out, which is probably impossible, I dunno, because she thinks she can do better, I think, and maybe that is why I want to so much, it bothers me, because I am fucking awesome (egosexual, I know) and all of fucking America should want to make out with me. But seriously, she's become somewhat of a goal of mine, and she sticks around like that in my mind, despite all else. But honestly, I can see how this happens. You get lonely and you start to see things in broad terms, and it all seems OK that way, I mean, you're gonna die soon enough anyway blah blah blah, but I resist because I am generally a good guy and because I am pretty sure I wouldn't have a shot anyway, and if you are shocked by my impure thoughts, I do apologize, but at least I freely admit I do have them. There are things worth waiting for, I tell myself, and I am inclined to agree. I seem to keep this optimistic attitude a lot more than a lot of people, which is weird. Well, not the thinking, but the actual doing. Or not doing. Here, nevermind:

"I saw you at the party tonight, and it's the same thing with every party: everyone looks around and tries to find someone better than them that they can score with. It's like this big silly game. Try try try try try again. Same chit chat same dancing same drinking same maybe flirting maybe not And then it pretty much never works out, or at least it never does for me, because, well, here I am alone, and there you are alone, and maybe if you would lower your standards a little, we'd at least have something. And something is better than nothing, right? Especially a something with no strings attached, hmm? Someone just got married today, and that is bizarre as all hell. I guess you've become somewhat of a goal, sad as that may seem."

Again, written by me. And this is written by someone else, Brad Land, in what may well be the best book about idiot guys like me in college ever:

"And it's fine that it's been this way with girls for a while now, these random things, because I know I am too much for anyone, that if I let myself, I'd love them all, I'd think they could fix me. But I know they can't, and it's enough, because every so often when a girl kisses me, touches my hand, my face, I remember that the world has light."

I finally get it. I am an emo fuck. But it makes so much sense.