09/21/2004 - 4:56 a.m. | the end of summer

Where have you been, Nathan Walsh? Long story short, the boy from Illinois went to Kansas to get the girl he met in St. Louis and go down to Austin. That's 20 hours of driving each way, folks. Why would he do something like this? Is he that desperate? Perhaps, but that is not his rationale. See, perhaps because he stayed down here for the summer, he (by which I mean I) never really had that clear-cut distinction between the summer and fall that school usually offered him. Had anything really been done by him in any of those three months? Not much, it felt like, and - longing for the bittersweet feeling he usually got way back in late August, the feeling that usually would jar him into action just to avoid feeling it (You get it? I have been full of lethargy and apathy lately because I'm still pretty sure it's summer, all right?) - he decided to just fuck it all for a four-day mini-vacation with a girl he had only really met the one time at a hugeass music festival he had only jokingly thought about going to. Fuck costs, fuck class, fuck work, fuck her (Kyle and Spritz repeatedly suggested). These were very, very impromptu plans. That way, if the trip was as amazing as he thought it would be - and it was - he could totally make the end of his summer coincide with that of the earth and the moon and get back on track and feel how he thought he should be feeling at the time.

Unfortunately, when it rains, it pours, and I got the call I've been fearfully expecting each time my parents phone at an unusual time. My grandpa Raymo (Haha, it's still a happy name, though, right?) passed away today. Talk about bittersweet feeling, more like a kick in the face by manic-depression, as I'm both sobbing hysterically and finding everything hysterical (Loudass donkey laugh included) at pretty much the same time for the whole of my eight hour drive back from Kansas today. And yet. And yet! There is some good news in all this, and it cheered me up, even if it didn't entirely make sense. It still doesn't. I was all sad, right, but I was sad about very tangible things. A family member had just died, and I had also just left a person who, for the first time in forever, I've had really good, caring feelings about/from/for/whatever (Good God, could Nate Walsh love again?! Let's not jump the gun, psycho. I like her a helluva lot, though, and that's more than I've been able to say for a long time) and who also happens to live forever the fuck away. But! Like I said, these are tangible (Not to mention selfish. Yes, I do admit that my own needs often take a forefront in my mind, but I'm trying to be a good guy for others... Just... give me a shot?) This is not depression, which doesn't make sense and which, when you have it, feels like it will never, ever go away. These are real things to be sad about, and the fact that I can be sad about them means eventually I won't have to be anymore. I will come to terms with the fact that my grandpa is dead, what I really feel about extended family, what I think about death (My own seems pretty unimportant because, fuck, I'll be dead! I won't have to care anymore! But what does one do when people start dying all around you? Is it already starting? What happens then?). And I will eventually get to see Missy again. And, I dunno, the realization that these sadnesses had the possibility of ending at least made them end a little bit for the time being. I don't really care if you understand this. I have to be up in 2 or so hours to cross the guard and then try and get my shit together so I can make it home for the funeral without being fired or assassinated or socially isolated. Incidentally, I'm going to be a pallbearer, I guess. Is it weird that I think that is sort of cool? Yes, probably. Well, we all have our coping mechanisms. Anyway, I've been told I need to dress up, so if anyone my size (Dankish, Spritzish?) had maybe a suit or sportcoat I could borrow for a little bit, I would be very appreciative. I will write about recent happenings later on, but this way you'll at least have a little background.