08/29/2004 - 5:25 p.m. | nothing should be frozen like that

Maybe I'll write a real entry now. Actually, I've been thinking about simply posting the e-mails I've been writing to Missy recently, as they are nearly as thorough as these entries, but then there is the thing wherein I try to flirt, and none of you wants to read that. I believe I made that error on purpose, so we'll keep it. As far as a brief recap goes, at least now I know my computer is capable of having the internet and not turning into flickering death screen, but I've done little in the way of fixing these things. I should have gone out shopping with Kyle and Shelly - for books, food, computer stuff, thousands of dollars worth of blah blah blah - but Lost in Translation was on, and I needed to see it again. I don't feel like I am full-on emo at all, but I am seemingly fixated on the bittersweet transience of life. What do I mean? Well... I guess that basic idea is that I keep telling myself I don't have to worry because I'm not "playing for keeps yet," but um... when do things start getting serious? Should I already be looking out for it? I mean, I'm getting this education, and I am supposed to be making stupid mistakes so I can learn from them and maybe meeting people... maybe not permanent people but people nonetheless, and I dunno. I guess I feel like if it isn't really for the long haul, then what is the point? I've introduced myself to so, so many people in the last few days - it's strange, but they want to talk to me because I am wearing a tie - and how many of them still remember my name? Two, three maybe?

I was voted Best Dressed at Hot Topic the other day. Um, I'm going to let you make your own joke on that one. Also, someone said something to me there the other day that... well, I'll just go ahead. I am a Virgo, and if you look at the personality traits we Virgos are supposed to have, I am pretty much archetypal: Withdrawn, critical, fastidious, etc, etc. The thing is, I'm getting better and better at learning to mask these traits... at least from the public eye. When I told everyone at work my sign, they seemed so shocked because I am so outgoing and energetic and relaxed. This has all been carefully orchestrated by me, and I make up for it by being a total sack of crap here at home (We must all make sacrifices). Anyway, it turns out that my shift on Saturday at Hot Topic had been cancelled, but it was good that I came in because they were desperately understaffed. I was exhausted, but I managed to keep spirits up until around 4:30 when Emily noted, "You're so quiet, Nate!" and then some aside comment about how it wasn't the same without my better half around, was it? Yipe. Am I really so transparent that everyone knows I am in love with Jen? Well, crap. I'll just go do the accent some more.

I like being alone and drunk. Wait, that sounds like alcoholism. Start over. I like being around people, but I don't like being with a crowd. I do much better at my own pace, because it is my own and is therefore so much faster than everyone else's. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink." That's the saying, right? Well, with people it's something like, you can make them drink, but you can't lead them anywhere. Everyone is so slow and has their own insane agenda that it takes forever to get anything done. Since, like I've said, I don't really get affected (Another intentional mistake!), I don't really feel the need for the whole stop with the roses thing just to feel whatever I am supposed to be feeling. Task-oriented. Anyway, this is why I went to three, maybe four, parties on my own last night.

I think J.D. on "Scrubs" is one of the best best-written characters of all time. He's such a dork and so happy and so sad at the same time. Yeah, more of that bittersweet transience thing. I'm on a kick. Favorite episode of right now is "My T.C.W."

First stop of the evening was Brytne's for a drinking game that, even among drinking games, is pretty masochistic. Think about what I just said there. It's called Edward Fortyhands, and the concept is simple: Two 40 oz. bottles are duct taped to your hands, and you are not allowed to take them off until both bottles are empty. The strategy alone is worth several drunken dares in itself. Oh no, have to pee? Well, you certainly can't unzip your pants yourself! Better have someone use their teeth! Highlights included Smacko throwing up (completely vertical) in between his first and second forties, Shanks beating a sober Jason Kahn at Mario Kart with the forties attached, and Becky getting naked out in the rain. I myself was goaded into a partial strip tease twice, and "PRISON" has been scrawled on my forearm in bubble letters with magenta Sharpie. We started very early, though, so I was out of there by 12, supposedly to meet Michelle and Kyle for some party, but I got creative and called Allison (You don't know about her, do you?) and met her at some hipster party on California. I thought maybe she was interested; maybe I was wrong. Honestly, who can I attract these days? So I took off running back to Brytne's to steal my bike quick and then ride over to Stoughton for Niket's party, except it was pretty much dead. I was hoping ChickenMc would be there, so I could wave and smile and not talk to her some more, but mostly I just got yelled at by people drunker than me, so I headed in the general direction of home. But there was another party I stumbled upon on the way, so I attached my bike to either a lightpost or a shrub or a shrub and a lightpost and went inside, but it was emptying out, so I just yelled all of "Baby Got Back" with some more girls who were more interested in the Indian guys than me. That being the last straw, I went home in tears (OK, no I didn't), lied on the floor, and watched about ten episodes of "Scrubs" some with people, some with not.

In conclusion, I'm starting to think maybe something small but important is missing from me. Like, I know I can be shy, but even when I'm not shy, and even when I try my very best on the very worst, here I am same as before. So, can people sense that this something is missing? Or am I doing something wrong to hide it? Or am really just pushing people away all the time? Well, I have no idea. Admittedly, I only do this when I drink a lot, but I took some time watching my own eyes again, and they seem so... wise. I dunno. Like they know so much more than me. They're kind of piercing and creepy, really, and I really like them, so I'm going to be wearing glasses for a while so that they are magnified. All pearly and watery and blue. And now I'm thinking I am OK just as long as some people I know are happy. Kyle and Michelle are happy, so I think things are OK.