07/18/2004 - 10:52 p.m. | we'll try to fill the echoless night

So, my entires maybe were a little depressing, yes? Well, chalk it up to maybe being a little depressed. Yesterday was good, though. Today was good. Tomorrow through Thursday might sort of suck, what with the prospect of two more marketing tests and one project/paper/presentation that I know very few specifics of. Pie charts will fill in any gaps in my knowledge.

It was a one-to-close day yesterday, meaning that I will inevitably start going a little shifty by the end of the shift. I maintain that this is only human nature. When confined to the same place (with the same music and the same tasks and the same people) for so long, the only thing that can be different is you. Or that is my insane-o sleepy logic. Deal with it. Rock and roll. Jen and me worked in the afternoon together, but she took it upon herself to do this massive inventory of stuffed animals (that Jane said she was going to get around to, but when did we see that going to happen?), so it was actually mostly me tending to the insane masses.

I crave starch. Absolutely crave it. So when my break comes, I get this fucking baked potato with sooooo much butter and cheese and sour cream and bacon (Is that what that was??) that shit is just spraying out my pores, I swear. And I wander the mall because I haven't done that for a while, really. Green tea freeze thing was ass horrible and made me want to choke people. They got rid of my cute tie at Express (Not like I could ever afford it), and they've hired several jarheads in my place at the Buckle. Heather reminded me of my drunken phone message to her regarding Kim's number - lol, glad that's coming back to haunt me. OK, now I want some fried beef. What is wrong with you, sicko? I am so tired of the radio at work that I actually went to Sam Goody and seriously contemplated getting an FM transmitter thing for my CD player so that we could listen to something, anything else. Just let me ramble, all right. *grumble* I need a nightcap, etc.

Jen left and Kara took over her spot, Kara whom I have not seen in a long, long time and who will be leaving us soon :( I'm glad that Jen is getting more comfortable around me and will say more, but Kara and I are just retarded partners in crime, which is great. She asked me to bring her something to eat, so I got her a double order of nachos and kept screaming at her to shovel them in in front of the customers because I have been informed that we can eat up front and God damn it I will use this privilege. The later it got, and the more jacked up I was on the three day old coffee I had bought at Kitchens, the more retarded dancing and singing we did. Between the flying insults at Jane, we kept trying to convince one other to clean the store for the night until we realized that we would also be the only ones there tomorrow and gave up fucking completely. Hassling customers became the order of the day. I found a stuffed whale doll and began trying to imitate its haunting song through a paper towel tube. The children were most confused. I spent an inordinate amount of time writing out odd little fortunes on scraps of paper and then occasionally handing them out to patrons I deemed worthy. And I started trying to develop a meaning for every total that came up on the register. Narrator's voice: "1965, a great year in our nation's vast history, a time of free love and new ideas... and hippies." And some shit about factors or whatever. Little kids are confused when you try to make actual conversation with them. Or just loudly start screaming "The Name Game" at them as soon as you discover who they are. We brought back the $79.99 tiny box of M&Ms we set out on the counter, practicing our straight faces as we tried to explain. "Are these REALLY 80 dollar M&Ms?!" "Yes." "Why do they cost so much?!" "We don't know." "They said if we ever opened the box, they would fire us." "And we're too poor to actually buy them ourselves." We'll prolly get arrested for fraud or something. Then we started on an elaborate fantasy about coming into work drunk the next day - dousing ourselves under the M&Ms machine, making lewd come-ons to the eight year olds, passing out in basket of the scale (or the "weigher" as one in five morons will call it), and all manner of idiocy that is no doubt not very funny to you because you do not work there and will certainly not work there for as long as we have.

I had already been informed that I had plans last night, so I made a quick stop for supplies at Meijer and then drove home like a man to fashion us up on kickin' pi�a coladas. Strangely enough, I once again felt like I knew what I was doing, and I was right. They kicked some ass. My bartending arrogance is yet another sign why I should be given a job, but the other fretting remains about my too-small arms and not-hot face. But I seem to recall that Legends is looking right now. I also seem to recall that there will be Illinois Idol auditions at the mall next Saturday. Fuck. Will he do it? Fuck. I can't sing. But will he do it? Hey, we're up to four votes for "Hot" on the old survery of whether or not I should get pierced. And I'm gonna keep that fucker up there, you shits, until it takes the lead or I finally break down and get metal jabbed into my tummy. So ha. Anyway, Will was in town in pretty much his goodbye to Illinois :( and now that he is 21, he got us all a ridiculous amount of rum to make islandy drinks with. Why islandy? What else would you serve is real live coconuts and pineapples with little umbrellas and straws!? Will wins a ridiculous amount of cool points with his final efforts on campus. I don't care how uncandid it was, I made Spritz film us as we (mostly me) danced around and sang Rupert Holmes' "Escape," which you should of course know by its other title, "Nate's Kryptonite." It was apparently decided far ahead of time that it doesn't really matter how drunk I am as long as you give me a crazy enough cup to hold the junk in. I started leading everyone around the neighborhood in an attempt to show off our awesome beverages, but the "party" I had spotted earlier was mostly like three guys sitting on a porch and listening to hip hop. Urbana sucks. Alas poor girl who just came out for a smoke and instead encountered the giant crowd of questionable males, led by the gay one inventing idiotic Ruper Holmes parodies at the top of his lungs. Yes, I do lead sometimes. They love it.

Yousaf bought some Arbor Mist, which is about a half a step up from bum wine, and so we stood around drinking that and deciding what to do. He also rented some truly awful sounding movie, which I guess was an option, but Will was going out to the Highdive, and even if it was going to be a pile of suck, I was going to go with him. The next step would be converting others to our cause. Yousaf and .5 Bashes signed on rather quickly, thus making us The Least Likely Group to Get Girls Ever. I figured I had to raise the odds a bit and began begging Spritz to join because he is my friend and I need him on things like this because otherwise everyone would defer to me, and I have too much PTSD right now for that to work. I was prolly a whiny bitch, but I got him to go, and I think he thought it was worth it in the end, so fuck off, hooray. His main qualm was with how far the walk was going to be, and I would definitely concur, so we took some time carefully, drunkenly deliberating on who we knew that was sober and could give us a ride. "We could give Dank money to take us! Jews love money!" Spritz had the best plan, however: Calling Jared and telling him that the Plain White T's were playing at the Highdive and how we should all go together. Amazingly, this did not actually work. I think telling him that Dashboard was opening might have gone a bit too far. We're sorry, Zou. We only did it out of love. And because we are drunken dicks. :(

It was a long walk, an amazingly long walk really, but I think we were all fucked up beyond belief by that point - or I was, and that means I don't care about you anyway. Memory remains wholly intact, though, even if the same could not be said for my vision at the time or precisely how lucid I actually was. Don't get me wrong - I was very active. I just don't remember how much of that was under my control. WHOOPS. Lots of stops to pee and to attempt lighting cigarettes (which seems out of place, all of us looking like ten year olds), but we finally made it. And it was packed. Wholly unexpected when compared to how the rest of campus has seemed so far this summer.

So we got in line and kind of just kept yelling things. I am a little hazy on the specifics of this part, but I know that once again Spritz and I decided we would fight, just to see what it was like, but then this time he was actually taking off his glasses and shit and coming at me, and I remember thinking, "Well, wait... Is this for real? Should I punch at him? Nah, better not. I'll wait and see what his first move is and then respond in kind." He apparently had the same plan, though, and through unknown means I ended up pinned on the ground, my stupid junk watch having fallen off my wrist again. Luckily someone found it for me, but had not the capacity to get that fucker repaired, so I kept compulsively checking the mole on my wrist for the rest of the night.

Anyway, the Highdive was fucking awesome and now I want to go out all the time. It was like the model for which all going out should be based on, the real life experience the Dismemberment Plan's "Back and Forth" was maybe based on (DOWNLOAD IT). Forget it. It was so, so crowded on the dance floor and you can hardly see anybody (which is probably for the best because they are all uggo townies) but everybody just bumps into each other and all the lousy dancers and random liquid getting on your ankles and God why do I love that so much? The feeling of closeness yet detachment, answers my brain concisely. I don't know how Yousaf and .5 Bashes were doing, and Will seemed kind of awkward, but Spritz and I were having a riot. It got to the point where even I was dancing with girls, this one kind of "yikes" strawberry blonde with really, really clammy hands and a tummy and this awesome 80's chick and this one girl who I think was with a pissed off dude, in particular, and it's a good thing it was too loud for me to argue with him because there would have been issues. But time and time again Spritz and I would get back together and dance, mock-gay style, which amused more than a fair share of people. This one black guy in particular I recall being very, very pleased with our antics. And a crowd of Asians? It was so, so sweaty and fun, though, and 80's chick may have been into me, but she was also kind of dancing with this other guy, so I didn't want to be an annoyance, but we kept rubbing asses and mocking people and shit. :D GIDDY I dunno - it was the most fun I've had in a long, long time, and although I made Spritz promise several times over that we would do this at least once a week (I even threatened him with a contract, which I could both notarize and bless - you don't fuck with that!), maybe I'll just start going out alone. A friend would be nice, but wouldn't it always? I'm going to have to learn to deal one of these days. We said goodbye to Will :( and found Yousaf and Bash outside waiting for us and started on the long trek home, with a stop to annoy Dank that I did not think was so great of an idea (even though I didn't have to puke and there was no homework around), but my feet really smelled, so we made it home and crashed and then I had to be back at work again!! Well, first I tried to crash, but I was amazingly untired, I sat there in bed all philosophical. Like, really, really stupidly philosophical, about what everyone's point in life was and how we would all be dying anyway and chances are you wouldn't be remembered by many for very long so you either gotta do something big or you gotta try and enjoy yourself as much as you can and get out before things get rough. And mostly that entails being good to other people so that they'll be good to you, but sometimes some people are gonna get fucked, and you just gotta hope that things are square in the end. I'm not even sure if I believe in an afterlife anymore :| so I sure as hell better start straightening things out here while I've got the time. Hm.

I was probably going to be late, but Nate uses his charm and trickery and offers to pick up Kara lunch if only she would be song kind as to clock him in at the correct time. She obliges, and we had a copious amount of food, so much that we were ill for the majority of the afternoon. The cheesecake and candy necklaces and accidental second free salad didn't help. We alternated between trying to exercise and not throw up. We were a very slow start, but we eventually got in gear and started trying to make the store look decent. OCDs began kicking in, and I straightened candy and rebuilt the horrible clearance walls Jane made. Unfortunately, in her effort to get the cheesecake up front so's we could eat it, Kara smashed into the glass shelf I had set on the end of the display with the giant drum on it. It was very dramatic. The drum hit first. BUUUUUUM. Then the shattering of glass. Kshshshshhshh. Then the hilarious process of trying to cover it up, as Kara gets herself more and more injured. We were in hysterics by this point, I think. I think we got it all fixed with no one really the wiser, though. "What happened to that fifth shelf?" "Um... Toy took it." "Oh, he's black. Yes... that's acceptable." Good old Jane. You gotta love when your loose business ethics exactly coincide with someone else's. Like, Kara was doing the drawer, and she comes out to me and says, "We're like three dollars off" (which is a lot). We immediately both start fishing in our pockets for enough small change and bills to fill in the gap so that we don't have to report this error in. Our honest dishonest should be the role model for the rest of you citizens. Unlike Mary-Kate Olsen and her coke habit.

Ooh - good news! Someone new has a crush on me! And it's a boy! This guy Arnie, who I guess used to work at the candy store and who also knew Kara from her other job, stopped in to say hello to her, and we met, and I guess he was unusually giggly or something, and when I went to help someone, he spoke to her in an aside about liking me or something. "Don't tell him, though," he says. Yes, but then he ends up showing up two more times besides that, and I'm not that dense. But honestly, how could anyone be anything but flattered? I mean, he's a pretty decent looking guy himself, and with some prime ass as Gibby working at the mall, I would have seen myself having no chance. But who am I to question taste? Kara warned me that he might ask me out, and I think I thoroughly confused her when I said that I would probably say yes if he ever did. I mean, it's not that I want to be a cocktease or anything (ha!), but he was very nice, and I think he could be a fun friend. I'd just have to let him know that's all we'd ever be. "Didja think that I was gonna give it up to you?" and so forth. Then again, maybe my misogyny will get to the point where I suddenly invert or something, and then I have some prime ass lined up :) But, to recap, mall crushes are as follows: 1) Psychotic, 10 year old, 200 pound wiccan, 2) Tiny, bitchy albino, 3) A dude, 4) And possibly (hopefully) the one adorable girl with the accent who has been coming in a couple of times every shift I work. Maybe she does that every time, though. Some people do just like candy... even if I may no longer be counted in their ranks after long.

So, I guess I'm feeling better than I have in a while. Maybe so much as to stop being mean to Michelle... but doubtful. Honestly girl, would you really like it if I were just another nice guy to you? Another redhead mutant freak that tries to suck up in the hopes of... gah, whatever the previous redhead mutant freaks thought was going to happen? I think you need friendly opposition just like I need to know at least one girl who isn't a total shitheap. Editiorial complete.